MORT SHOULD CONSIDER PHOENIX ONLINE
















Or at least, ESPN quote-reporter-unquote Chris Mortensen should go back to using his Google Reader for the majority of his sources. It's been a rough offseason for Mort, who has now embarrassed himself on two of the biggest stories of the past decade. Not only that, but he's embarrassed himself while trying to embarrass other reporters who are, uh, better at reporting. First, there was that whole thing where Mort and ESPN kind of had their asses handed to them on the Mike Tomlin-to-the-Steelers story. The Big Lead gives the rundown much better than I could after eating two boxes of Hot Pockets. Apparently Mike Tomlin isn't quite "NOW" enough to be on the ESPN radar. Maybe if he showed up to a Marroon 5 concert or something. And now, there's the whole thing where Mort, in the face of all accurate information and, well, logic, reported that the Falcons were told no, Mike Vick won't be indicted on federal charges. At least the grand jury had the decency to wait like 13 hours before making Mort look like a total boob. But the real awesomeness was when SI's Peter King politely alluded to Mort's general shittiness, leading to this (from PFT):

Though no one at ESPN will publicly acknowledge the erroneous July 6 declaration that Vick is not likely to be indicted, Peter King of SI, HBO, NBC (and, formerly, KFC) said Wednesday on The Dan Patrick Show on ESPN Radio that the first thing King thought of when he heard of the indictment was that Chris Mortensen probably isn't very happy.

After the spot with King ended, guest host Scott Van Pelt said that Mort had e-mailed the studio to point out that he didn't report that Vick wasn't likely to be indicted, but merely that the Falcons thought that Vick wasn't likely to be indicted.

So, by that token, I could say that sources tell me Tom Brady eats his own poo, and then if it's proven wrong (and I'm not saying it will be) I could say that I was just reporting that my source said that. That's why members of the media act as a "filter" in their reporting. I guess my point is that Chris Mortensen isn't very good at his job, and probably should find another career, perhaps a DeVry University degree in Entrepreneurship could help.

BOSTON CELTICS GAMES ARE WICKED GOOD

I hereby proclaim the 2006-07 Boston Celtics "Awesome."

And not for their play on the court, where GM Danny Ainge has been battling former teammate and T-Wolves GM Kevin McHale for NBA's biggest dickhole as their respective teams tank the season in an attempt to win the Draft Lottery (karma, if you were ever needed, it's May 22).

It's for that ambiance that only Celtics magic can bring.

Look at that mascot in that picture. That's wacky and crazy! Those aren't normal sized hands, are they! And he's wearing sunglasses indoors! And were you wondering why he's so crazy and wacky? Go to his official bio!

LUCKY, the Celtics mascot, is anything but your traditional Leprechaun.

OMG, he isn't?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Although he does possess the mischievous traits and elusive tendencies of most leprechauns, he appears to be more of a young man with the energy of a 10-year-old boy.

Wow, I can't even imagine a ... young man with the... energy of... a 10-year-old boy?

While many believe LUCKY used his fairy-like powers to track down the fountain of youth, he swears his passion for cheering on the Boston Celtics at the Fleet Center is what keeps him young.

Well, truly, the Celtics are in touch with America's youth. They're going to nail coveted 2- to 6-year-old with moderate-to-severe learning disability demographic. And the Celtics are really in touch with their major corporate sponsors, since the their home arena hasn't been called the Fleet Center since 2005.

Okay, so maybe an energetic man with giant hands whose employee bio includes the term "fairy-like" doesn't get you going. But this will: HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STAR POWER.


That, of course, is Hollywood big shot worldwide superstar Ben... something, who will be starring in a new show the Farrelly Brother's are doing for Fox. You remember the Farrelly Brothers. They made Kingpin, and Something About Mary among others. Then they moved towards drama a little bit with Outside Providence. After which they completely abandoned comedy -- and watchability -- with Fever Pitch.

And if you're anything like me, you can't wait to see the chemistry between an actor nobody's heard of, Paul Pierce, and Ryan Gomes. Athletes make the best actors. It's going to be just like an episode of "Arli$$." And with that guy doing the double point thing with his fingers and the silly face, you know he's totally funny and in no way a deuche.

Not sure what the name of this show will be, but if Karen Filippelli over there is leaving The Office to be a part of it, might I suggest it be called Career Suicide.

(Look at all that show business stuff in those last few paragraphs. I'm like Bill Simmons, but not into effeminate 80's bands and reality TV! Oh, and both pictures via Yaysports!, where we'll soon learn that the Casual Baby did indeed shoot Mamba.)

FIX COLLEGE BASKETBALL OR GO TO HELL

So many of my reader(s) have been demanding that I share my plan on how to fix the shitfest that college basketball has become, because most of my reader(s) are selfish jerks who don't understand that I have a life outside of updating this blog once a week, a life that includes 7-11 Go-Go Taquitos with my friends Tad and Ira, and watching my Chicago Hope DVDs.

But being worshiped is part of the territory when you're a blogger. And I accept that responsibility fully. So you go, you dirtbags:

1. Move the three-point line back. Like 20 feet. It's supposed to be a challenging shot, which is why you get an extra point for it. That guy who invented basketball (I think his name was Professor Claude Basket of DeVry University) must be spinning in his grave if he's dead. And if he's not, he's probably been vomiting for like three straight weeks, or at least any time Butler is televised.

2. Adapt the NBA's no-charge circle. Moving under a player who is going to the basket and then flopping should not be an acceptable form of defense, and it's what gives us teams like Butler and Shane Battier-led Duke winning games when they have no right. Anyone trying to draw a charge inside the circle receives a technical and an automatic ejection. If the same team has two players attempt to draw a charge inside the circle, they automatically forfeit the game. Three: the offending team has to disband and be placed under individual house arrest for one calendar year. If a referee incorrectly calls a charge inside the circle, he may finish officiating the game, but must have his testicles removed immediately thereafter. For the remainder of his officiating career, that ref will be followed by a sniper with a crossbow during all games. Should he again incorrectly call a charge inside the no-charge circle, he is to be shot in the spine.

3. Change the officials' uniforms. Have you seen the fuck me pants these guys wear? The FCC prohibits telecasts from showing an official from behind. Just put Tight Pants Teddy Valentine and company in something a little more tasteful and leaves a little more to the imagination, like assless chaps.


















4. Actually, fire every official who worked a game this year. College basketball officiating is so poor, we'd be better off is players got to call their own fouls. Kevin Durant wouldn't even put himself on the line as often as officials did this season.

5. Pee on Myles Brand. I don't have anything against him per say, but he's such a useless human being. And you know what he makes? $738,000. A year. That's almost double what I make writing this blog. And I have to update it like once a week.

So there you go, you filthy animals. If college basketball is ever going to be watchable again, they'll follow -- to a tee -- those five steps.

MARCH CRAZY INSANITY

It's that time of year, when everyone fills out their brackets and then everyone discusses their brackets with each other but it's really boring to hear about it, which is why, if you're a single man, you're not going to get any sex this weekend because girls think you're fucking boring. You say it doesn't matter now, but let's see what you're thinking around 3:30 Sunday morning when the only company you have is your useless, now-tattered bracket and bitter, bitter tears.

Here's some tips to make your weekend of basketball more enjoyable.

See that basketball hat in the picture. It's right there and it's really big. Wear it. And buy an extra in case you get a lot of sweat and saliva in the first one. It shows that you love basketball a lot, and everyone will want to be your friend.

If you go to a bar, bring this comic with you (OMG LOL LOL LOL OMG LOL). Show it to everyone. If they don't laugh, it means they know nothing about basketball. Therefore, they can be told to eat your ass.

If someone says they like CBS's Seth Davis, kick them in the throat. (Make sure it's someone shorter than you, or politely ask them to crouch down. And make sure you've stretched thoroughly beforehand.)

This guy will win your bracket pool:

Congratulate him beforehand. That guy in the sunglasses behind him? He'll be pissed. And later he'll definitely going to get in a tussle at the gun club when he finds out the blondies are gone.

Eric Maynor will be your new god. Prepare accordingly, because he's a vengeful god.

OMG WHAT A CRAZY WEEK!!!!!

I know, I know I haven't posted in a while, but I'm back. Things have just been so crazy lately and I'm totally stressed.

As you know, this blog is just blowing up and everyone is totally stoked on me. But my Facebook friend Ira Bonds and I had a big fight because while we were at the pitch-and-putt my best friend Tad said he thought Ira's cousin Barry Bonds was eating steroids and I didn't take Ira's side. It was totally awkward being in the middle there because I love Tad and I love Ira too and I want them to get along so much. OMG OMG OMG!

So I'm sorry, and I'll post more now. TTYL OMG BFF!

THE FUTURE OF BASKETBALL UNIFORMS

OR

WELCOME TO SYRACUSE BASKETBALL, I LOVE YOU

I had to let these new Syracuse uniforms marinate for a couple days. When I first saw them, I assumed I had been selected by the Pentagon to be the guinea pig for a top-secret hibernation program. Forgotten, I awoke 500 years in the future. I discovered a society so incredibly dumbed-down that I'm easily the most intelligent person alive. I wrote a screenplay about it. But it turns out Mike Judge already made that movie. And ironically, these new Syracuse uniforms look like something out of Idiocracy:


I fear change. But usually I don't have a reason. These half body suit/half long skirt uniforms are a horrible prank being played on the once-proud Syracuse basketball program. SU's previous low point was signing this.

Then it moved a little lower by nicknaming the Carrier Dome the "Loud House." If you've ever been to the Carrier Dome, you'll realize it's neither a house, field or otherwise, nor is it loud. (You'd never think 30,000 people could make so little noise. My good friend Tad and I hit higher decibels when we sob uncontrollably on Gordon Lightfoot Wednesdays).

But this is not just a low point for a fading basketball program. This is a low point for the human
race if more than one person thought this looked good. Think I'm overreacting? This is what Syracuse's Nike-designed men's basketball uniforms will look like in 2027 (artist's depiction):

And those haircuts will be Phil Knight-mandatory.

There's no way around it. The end is near. Soon the mighty hand of Zeus will reach down from the sky and usher in a new age or something along those lines. It's in Revelations, people.

Luckily for me, my friend Tad and I have been working on a fallout shelter for just such a day. His wife Rhoda can come too, since we have to procreate. But I wish we had spent that extra $2.99 on that KMart shower curtain so they could have some privacy.

I guess my point is that every member of the Syracuse basketball team looks like an asshole in those uniforms.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK (MARCH 5-11): NIRVANA



I know it's Tuesday night, but the votes have been counted, and it's 1-0 for Nirvana.

I was watching the tele the other day and heard Breed playing on a commercial for MLB 2K7. Did it excite your emotions? Should you be outraged? Probably.

But since I have no readers, I'm going to have to disagree with myself. It's a fucking awesome song and it's cool that I got to hear it even though I could easily listen to it on my MP3 player made by Apple Computers or my CD player. And I'm probably going to buy the game even though most baseball games are disappointing and I'm sure I'll be disappointed by the game, but now I associate it with Nirvana and I like Nirvana.

It's just like how I waited in line all weekend with my friend Tad Goodfellow to see Wild Hogs. I hate Tim Allen and John Travolta. I kind of used to like Bill Macy. I can live with or without Martin Lawrence. But I saw it because the trailer includes a clip of Kyle Gass signing karaoke. The movie wasn't be entertaining in the least. There's nothing funny about KG singing that Pussycat Girls song or whatever that crap shit is. But when I see him I think of Tenacious D, so for six seconds I thought of Jesus Ranch and Lee and whatnot. Plus, Kage is wearing a sweater that reminds me of one that my friend Nick has. So you can see how I had to see Wild Hogs for the bargain basement price of $9.75. And it's really a movie you have to see at the theater if you want the full effect of Ray Liotta's pores.

Later that afternoon I helped Tad paint his new deck. Then me, him, and his wife Rhoda played 21 until I gave Rhoda a Gerald Henderson-style elbow to the face as she was about to finish us off. That's the way Coach K would have wanted it.

Anyway, you won this round 2K Sports. Want me to buy NBA 2K8 next year? Try Chicago's 25 or 6 to 4 on the soundtrack.

PITCHERS WHO ARE BETTER THAN MARK PRIOR, VOL. 1


This is a service for anyone participating in fantasy baseball. A lot of people are considering drafting Mark Prior, despite all evidence that he is bad at baseball. So unless your league counts wild pitches, DL trips, rehab assignments, starts lasting fewer than two innings, or draft day signing bonus-to-career wins ratio, you're not going to want him on your team. Everyday until Opening Day, except for on days on which we don't do it, we'll list one pitcher who is better than Mark Prior. Here goes:

Tom Gorzelanny, Pittsburgh Pirates

JOURNALISM IS HARD

From Profootballtalk.com, which generally kicks ass:

"Earlier on Monday, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported that Steelers cornerback Deshea Townsend and practice squad player Raymond Burgess were arrested over the weekend.

But we later learned that Burgess is not, and never has been, a member of the team. Instead, he's a bartender at the club where the fight occurred.

And, apparently, we're right. Because the Tribune-Review story has been revised, with no reference to the fact that it ever said that Burgess played for the Steelers."

Also, Townsend denies he was arrested. Only the best from our friends at the Tribune company. Go Cubs!

(FULL DISCLOSURE: The Chicago Cubs have been scamming you for decades with this lovable loser bullshit. They're not putting out a winning product because they know you will continue to show up to games and buy your $9 beers and $15 foam fingers and Michael Wuertz jerseys and $90 bleacher seats to their decrepit craphole stadium.)