MARVIN LEWIS MIGHT BE TOO STUPID TO LIVE


I would love a job that allowed me to work with raw sewage.

Oh wait, I should clarify that. I would love a job that allowed me to work with raw sewage if my current job were in the Cincinnati Bengals' public relations department.

As if sharing a facility with the numerous lowlifes who make up the Bengals' roster wasn't bad enough. Head coach Marvin Lewis, he who brought in said lowlifes, has essentially crammed his foot, and really most of the lower half of his body, deep into his pie hole.

Lewis said on the Self-Proclaimed Worldwide Leader In Sports' most outdated media platform:

I think there's profiling, no question. We're a small place - our guys stand out, and they know that, and you've got to do things the right way. But when you are arrested for, or you are pulled over for, not putting on your turn signal, there's something wrong there. Many people make right turns without putting on their turn signals and it's unfortunate that we've had a guy that's pulled over for not putting on his turn signal.

There are just so many problems with those comments. I like lists, so let's make one.

1. Lewis said this out loud.

2. Lewis said this out loud on a nationally syndicated radio show that was currently being aired.

3. What exactly is Lewis implying happened to the mystery traffic law violator? In all likelihood, he received a warning or a small fine, which is what happens to people who violate traffic laws within site of a police officer. The way Lewis is talking, it sounds like the mystery traffic violator was immediately convicted of every unsolved crime in the city and sentenced to six life sentences a la Steve Sax (you watch too many movies Sax).

4. Bengals players are being profiled? How many times have Carson Palmer or Chad Johnson been arrested? Is anyone else on the team the least-bit recognizable. Do you think anyone in Cincinnati could pick Frostee Rucker out of a lineup? (I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. OH SNAP!)

5. The Marvin Lewis and the Bengals have been burning draft picks on have rap sheets that could only be described as Corey Dillon-esque. What does Lewis think is going to happen when he gives a bunch of career criminals each a six- or seven-figure salary? Savings and wise investments, or guns, drugs and prostitutes?

One of the most important things a head coach can preach is personal responsibility. Apparently, that's out the window in Cincy. A real organization would can Lewis right now. (Actually, a real organization would have canned Lewis the minute he brought up the name "Ahmad Brooks" in conjunction with a draft pick.) Comments like this show he's unfit to run his own life, let alone a professional sports franchise.

But let's remember the real victims here: Cincinnati Bengals public relations director Jack Brennan and his entire staff.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: I was going to make a joke at some point referring to sodomy in prison, but does that still go on? I know many of my readers are incarcerated, so let me know.)

WHY GOD CREATED THE NBA DRAFT LOTTERY

First of all, the next person who says the NBA doesn't need a draft lottery is getting punched in some body part to be determined.

The NBA Draft is not the NFL Draft for numerous reasons. In the NBA, one player can make a much larger impact than a single NFL player can make.

And more importlantly: In the NBA the No. 1 overall pick will take up only a small portion of his team's cap room thank to the rookie salary scale.

In the NFL, top 5 picks eat up an absurd amount of cap space. It's why no one would trade up with Detroit to take Calvin Johnson, despite Johnson being considered the closest thing maybe ever to a "can't-miss" prospect. Because, if a top pick doesn't make a significant impact, you just pissed away a staggering amount of money.

In the NBA, you're essentially adding a player for free. If there were no lottery, then any team not guaranteed to be a title contender should be trying to go 0-82. Except for the Knicks, because Isiah will have pissed away all their draft picks and cap room anyway.

Okay, it looks like we have our first question for the mailbag. And I mean ever; I do not have an email account:

Why doesn't the NBA let us watch the Lottery?
Wiley R. (Statesboro, Georgia)

it's because the NBA no longer uses the little ping pong balls with team logos. They use a bunch of numbered balls, and each lottery team has multiple four-digit combinations assigned to them. It's like the Play 4 thing that I never win because the state lottery is totally fixed.

So why not just televise the numbers popping up and make public the list of team combinations? Because it would be shitty TV. Crossing Jordan shitty. And the biggest reason the NBA has a Draft Lottery is not to ensure competitive integrity late in the season, but because it's a television event that will draw viewers, and draw journalists to write about it for a week before and a week after.

There's drama in the opening of envelopes. I see it every day at the post office that I hang out at
because I don't have a job or friends and the smell of envelope glue kind of makes me high and people get all uptight when I ask them if I can seal their envelopes for them.

It's highly unlikely that Stern is still fixing the lottery, because he'd have to have every owner and team exec on board with the plan. And Stern has too many owners he can't control. Mark Cuban (DOOOOOOOOORK) would be putting it all over his "web log" (DOOOOOOOOORK) if those kinds of shenanigans going on.

And a different Wiley R. of Statesboro, Georgia writes in:

If the Hawks landed outside the top 3, they would have gotten Atlanta's pick. If the lottery isn't fixed, then how did the Suns get screwed for badmouthing Stu Jackson just because he ruined an entire NBA season?

The Suns actually make out better without getting that pick in the 2007 Draft.

If they don't pay a first-round pick this year (say they take Tiago Splitter and Rudy Fernandez with their two first-rounders and leave them in Europe next season), the Suns aren't THAT far into luxury tax territory. If they had a lottery pick, they wouldn't be able to take a draft-and-stash guy, therefore forcing them to deal Shawn Marion or Amare Stoudemire in order to avoid paying Jim Dolan-type luxury tax cash.

If owner Robert Sarver isn't a total deuche, he'll suck it up and pay a little luxury tax to keep last year's team in tact (since they were Stu Jackson retardation away from a title this year, and the Steve Nash title window is closing). Or, if he is a total deuche, they could trade Kurt Thomas and his expiring contract, and try to add an NBA-ready, defensive-minded big with one of their two first-rounders, more than likely keeping them under the cap.

Then, next year Phoenix gets the Hawks' pick unprotected. And is Atlanta really going to be much better than last year? There's a decent chance it becomes the No. 1 pick of the draft.

For Phoenix to keep the pick this year, it would have had to be between 4 and 7. There are three guys in the '07 Draft (Greg Oden, Kevin Durant, and Brandan Wright) who are virtual locks to be better than anyone coming out next year. And the only guy who eats the amount of lead paint chips that would cause someone to pass on Brandan Wright at No. 3 is Hawks GM Billy Knight, so there's no way Phoenix could have landed Wright.

So Phoenix now gets another shot at the title next year, add a high lottery pick in the '08 Draft to replace Marion or Stoudemire, and contend until Nash can no longer walk.

And here's how Portland becomes the NBA's next superpower:

1. June 28, 2007: Draft Greg Oden.

2. Janury 24, 2009: Trade Darius Miles, Zach Randolph, and Joel Przybilla to New York Knicks for Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, Malik Rose, and unprotected No. 1 pick.

3. July 1, 2009: Allow contracts of Francis, Marbury, and Rose to expire.

4. July 16, 2009: Use new-found cap room to sign free agent Deron Williams to start alongside Oden, Brandon Roy, and LaMarcus Aldridge.

5. 2010-2020: Win 10 consecutive NBA championships.

DANNY AINGE SHOULD STAR IN AN ORIGINAL SITCOM WHERE HE LEARNS ABOUT KARMA OR SOMETHING

Terrific is the only way to explain last night's draft lottery. I don't even know who got the No. 1 pick (it was the Ottawa Rough Riders. I don't have time to look it up). Terrific because the Celtics tanked an entire season for nothing.

And yes, they tanked an entire season. What other reason would they have for acquiring Sebastian Telfair. To prove some sort of political point about gun control laws and why we should be able to bring loaded guns on to planes? (Which, of course, is because planes are often targeted by freelance terrorists in weather balloons.)

Paul Pierce spent more time hanging out with world-renowned actors than playing basketball. Telfair spent more time on the court than in police lineups. That's tanking a season.

And for it, the Celtics -- as my grandmother used to say to me when I was a young child -- "get completely fucked in the ass." There are three potential superstars in this draft: Greg Oden, Kevin Durant, and Brandan Wright. There is one potential perennial All-Star: Jeff Green.

The Celtics will take Chinese forward Yi Jianlian, who this October will celebrate his 20th birthday for the third time. Apparently the space-time contiuum works differently in or something. Or he's trapped in some sort of isolated Groundhog's Day loop. I don't really know how it works.

But why not take Jeff Green? Because after a season of shitting on fans with a horrible on-the-court product, the Celtics need someone marketable. Yi is (for now). Green is not. And apparently, this isn't either.