THE FUTURE OF BASKETBALL UNIFORMS

OR

WELCOME TO SYRACUSE BASKETBALL, I LOVE YOU

I had to let these new Syracuse uniforms marinate for a couple days. When I first saw them, I assumed I had been selected by the Pentagon to be the guinea pig for a top-secret hibernation program. Forgotten, I awoke 500 years in the future. I discovered a society so incredibly dumbed-down that I'm easily the most intelligent person alive. I wrote a screenplay about it. But it turns out Mike Judge already made that movie. And ironically, these new Syracuse uniforms look like something out of Idiocracy:


I fear change. But usually I don't have a reason. These half body suit/half long skirt uniforms are a horrible prank being played on the once-proud Syracuse basketball program. SU's previous low point was signing this.

Then it moved a little lower by nicknaming the Carrier Dome the "Loud House." If you've ever been to the Carrier Dome, you'll realize it's neither a house, field or otherwise, nor is it loud. (You'd never think 30,000 people could make so little noise. My good friend Tad and I hit higher decibels when we sob uncontrollably on Gordon Lightfoot Wednesdays).

But this is not just a low point for a fading basketball program. This is a low point for the human
race if more than one person thought this looked good. Think I'm overreacting? This is what Syracuse's Nike-designed men's basketball uniforms will look like in 2027 (artist's depiction):

And those haircuts will be Phil Knight-mandatory.

There's no way around it. The end is near. Soon the mighty hand of Zeus will reach down from the sky and usher in a new age or something along those lines. It's in Revelations, people.

Luckily for me, my friend Tad and I have been working on a fallout shelter for just such a day. His wife Rhoda can come too, since we have to procreate. But I wish we had spent that extra $2.99 on that KMart shower curtain so they could have some privacy.

I guess my point is that every member of the Syracuse basketball team looks like an asshole in those uniforms.