DANNY AINGE SHOULD STAR IN AN ORIGINAL SITCOM WHERE HE LEARNS ABOUT KARMA OR SOMETHING

Terrific is the only way to explain last night's draft lottery. I don't even know who got the No. 1 pick (it was the Ottawa Rough Riders. I don't have time to look it up). Terrific because the Celtics tanked an entire season for nothing.

And yes, they tanked an entire season. What other reason would they have for acquiring Sebastian Telfair. To prove some sort of political point about gun control laws and why we should be able to bring loaded guns on to planes? (Which, of course, is because planes are often targeted by freelance terrorists in weather balloons.)

Paul Pierce spent more time hanging out with world-renowned actors than playing basketball. Telfair spent more time on the court than in police lineups. That's tanking a season.

And for it, the Celtics -- as my grandmother used to say to me when I was a young child -- "get completely fucked in the ass." There are three potential superstars in this draft: Greg Oden, Kevin Durant, and Brandan Wright. There is one potential perennial All-Star: Jeff Green.

The Celtics will take Chinese forward Yi Jianlian, who this October will celebrate his 20th birthday for the third time. Apparently the space-time contiuum works differently in or something. Or he's trapped in some sort of isolated Groundhog's Day loop. I don't really know how it works.

But why not take Jeff Green? Because after a season of shitting on fans with a horrible on-the-court product, the Celtics need someone marketable. Yi is (for now). Green is not. And apparently, this isn't either.