MARVIN LEWIS MIGHT BE TOO STUPID TO LIVE


I would love a job that allowed me to work with raw sewage.

Oh wait, I should clarify that. I would love a job that allowed me to work with raw sewage if my current job were in the Cincinnati Bengals' public relations department.

As if sharing a facility with the numerous lowlifes who make up the Bengals' roster wasn't bad enough. Head coach Marvin Lewis, he who brought in said lowlifes, has essentially crammed his foot, and really most of the lower half of his body, deep into his pie hole.

Lewis said on the Self-Proclaimed Worldwide Leader In Sports' most outdated media platform:

I think there's profiling, no question. We're a small place - our guys stand out, and they know that, and you've got to do things the right way. But when you are arrested for, or you are pulled over for, not putting on your turn signal, there's something wrong there. Many people make right turns without putting on their turn signals and it's unfortunate that we've had a guy that's pulled over for not putting on his turn signal.

There are just so many problems with those comments. I like lists, so let's make one.

1. Lewis said this out loud.

2. Lewis said this out loud on a nationally syndicated radio show that was currently being aired.

3. What exactly is Lewis implying happened to the mystery traffic law violator? In all likelihood, he received a warning or a small fine, which is what happens to people who violate traffic laws within site of a police officer. The way Lewis is talking, it sounds like the mystery traffic violator was immediately convicted of every unsolved crime in the city and sentenced to six life sentences a la Steve Sax (you watch too many movies Sax).

4. Bengals players are being profiled? How many times have Carson Palmer or Chad Johnson been arrested? Is anyone else on the team the least-bit recognizable. Do you think anyone in Cincinnati could pick Frostee Rucker out of a lineup? (I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. OH SNAP!)

5. The Marvin Lewis and the Bengals have been burning draft picks on have rap sheets that could only be described as Corey Dillon-esque. What does Lewis think is going to happen when he gives a bunch of career criminals each a six- or seven-figure salary? Savings and wise investments, or guns, drugs and prostitutes?

One of the most important things a head coach can preach is personal responsibility. Apparently, that's out the window in Cincy. A real organization would can Lewis right now. (Actually, a real organization would have canned Lewis the minute he brought up the name "Ahmad Brooks" in conjunction with a draft pick.) Comments like this show he's unfit to run his own life, let alone a professional sports franchise.

But let's remember the real victims here: Cincinnati Bengals public relations director Jack Brennan and his entire staff.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: I was going to make a joke at some point referring to sodomy in prison, but does that still go on? I know many of my readers are incarcerated, so let me know.)