NO, NO, NO. THE KNICKS ARE JUST SHITTY

If you missed it, the latest unsportsmanlike behavior making victims of the Knickerbockers was the Bulls reenacting the dunk contest in order to get their fans free Big Macs. And then Nate Robinson and Steve Francis were all like "hey, how rude of you to consistently throw that basketball through that cylinder thing repeatedly, because our team doesn't have the ability to do that."

Which brings us to the main point here. It's weird how the Knicks seem to be constantly shedding tears about teams running up the score on them. You'd think that the best way to prevent that would be to not fall behind by 30 in the second half. The Knicks are just shitty. And they're going to be shitty as long as Isiah Thomas is a part of the franchise.

The most awesomest excuse for the Knicks struggling to avoid 50 losses while playing in a division that includes a team that was actually decimated by injuries (Nets), a team that blew up their roster and traded their franchise player before the new year (76ers), and a team that's been taking since last July (Celtics) is definitely the OMG THEY'VE HAD SO MANY INJURIES BRB TTYL. They lost Jamal Crawford and David Lee, two guys who would be hard-pressed to break into the rotation for any playoff team. They lost Quentin Richardson, who they were only able to add in the first place because Phoenix knew he has the back of a 98-year-old. And now that the season is over, they lost Stephon Marbury, whose skills have diminished so much that not even he can convince himself that he's good.

You want to see a team that's battled injuries. Try Phoenix. Check out this 2006-07 injury list:

Steve Nash (back)
Amare Stoudemire (knee)
Shawn Marion (hand)
Kurt Thomas (elbow)
Boris Diaw (Pastry Addiction)
Sean Marks (Leprosy)
Pat Burke (Pac-Man Fever)
Jalen Rose (Achy-Breaky Pelvis)
Jumaine Jones (Hot Dog Fingers)
Eric Piatkowski (Geriatric Profanity Disorder)

EVERYONE VS. COLIN COWHERD

This is a SHFSB exclusive. No wait, everyone on the planet has already wrote about this? What about Bea Arthur? Really? Okay. And you know what, she looks great. You really do Bea. Call me.

Anyway, it turns out that Colin Cowherd is kind of a penis. Which is surprising, because most unknown sports talk radio guys are wicked cool and stuff. Did you know Billy Dee Williams started in sports talk radio? Well he did. I'll save you the trip to Wikipedia.

Anyway, Cowherd, who is a certified penis, launched a DNS attack against The Big Lead by telling his various 40-something, lonely, lonely, very lonely, have-never-touched-a-woman-in-their-lives-except-for-that-one-time-on-the-bus-when-
that-Bennigan's-hostess-accidentally-brushed-against-their-thigh-and-then-they-had-
an-erection-for-a-week lonely listeners to simultaneously log on, thereby crashing their servers.

Anyway, as punishment for what could be an illegal act, the new ESPN ombudsman yelled at Cowherd or something. But of course, the ESPN ombudsman carries only slightly more authority than the United Nations, and slightly less than your local toll booth operator. So apparently, if it's not specifically written in to the ESPN radio policy, Colin Cowherd can now molest children and, even if arrested, can still air his awesome radical outrageousness from prison.

And the real upside for ESPN is, as they push into the art of blogging three years after the rest of the world (even me!) started, they're really gaining a lot of popularity from employing awesome cowabunga radical dudes like Colin Cowherd!

On kind of a similar topic (and by "similar," I mean exactly the same), I guess Cowherd is now being referred to as "Schrutebag" by most of the blogosphere, even though that nickname isn't really mean, doesn't make sense (and that's coming from me), and just kind of makes anyone who uses it sound like a 'tard.

(Look back at that paragraph. "Tard" is only the second-stupidest word in that graf. So I won't be typing "Schrutebag" again ever.)

But since I have a blog, I feel this incident really effects me. And I would suggest to my local state senator force all ESPN employees to take the following oath if I have a local state senator and he/she has some sort of jurisdiction over ESPN:

"If I, [state your name], as an employee of the self-proclaimed worldwide leader in sports and ESPN Hollywood and Skip Bayless, should use a DNS attack against a website for any reason, may I be forced to work in an outdated media with only very lonely, single men in their mid-40's as my audience. In addition, may my hair begin to fall out in a male-pattern baldness fade, and may the bottom third of my nose be removed, and the remaining cartilage upturned in order to resemble those people in that Twilight Zone episode where everyone had the pig noses and stuff. In addition may I have any sense of humor and logic choked out of my body and mind, and may I act like a general douche liked only by very lonely men in their mid-40's."


(And in similar news, and by "similar" I mean completely off-topic, I'm like 90 percent sure the Casual Baby shot Mamba.)

MATCH-UP OF THE WEEK: MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL VS. COMMON SENSE

It looks like Allan Selig and his boys struck another blow in their battle against logic. Remember, these are the same people who, despite the fact that half the world plays their sport, didn't start aggressively going after foreign markets until two years ago. (Apparently, Allan Selig didn't realize they spend money outside America.)

First, there was the whole thing about Craig Biggio not being allowed to support kids with cancer. It's especially absurd since, unlike the NFL where every player must dress exactly like his teammates or face a fine, MLB allows their players to essentially customize their own uniforms (especially the pants, which can be the cool looking high socks look, or the Barry Bonds/Manny Ramirez deuchy 53 sizes too big look). Of course, this was just Allan Selig being a smart business man. Where are these goddam sickly kids going to make money to buy bobbleheads? Lots and lots of bobbleheads.

And the latest strike against common sense comes via this year's schedule. Allan Selig lives in Milwaukee, so he must know it's cold and stuff in March. And he also must have deduced at some point in his life that April is the month that immediately follows March, and because of the gradual change in temperature from season to season would therefore lead to possible cold temperatures in the north in early April. So of course, logic would suggest that the majority of April games be played in warm-weather cities. Instead, among the opening series we had Florida playing in Washington, Tampa playing in New York, Arizona playing in Colorado, Oakland playing in Seattle, Atlanta playing in Philadelphia, and Cleveland, Detroit, and Chicago all hosting games. And to make matters worse, Allan Selig apparently had umpire Rick Reed and his crew go on a lead paint-only diet leading up to the season.

And has anyone looked at the schedule down the line? The late-August Brewers-Diamondbacks series will be played in the center of the Earth.