ALL-TOURNAMENT TEAM: YOU'RE ALL WINNERS UNLESS YOU PARTICIPATED IN OR WATCHED THIS TOURNAMENT

With what was easily the worst NCAA Tournament of the last six centuries coming to an end, it’s time to award the First Annual SHFSB All-Tournament Awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.

The title game licked balls, just like about 60 of the 63 games in the tournament. If you liked this tournament you don't have a basic knowledge of basketball. Your confusing "close" games with "good" games. This year's close games were close because teams repeatedly choked away huge leads with horrendous turnovers, ill-advised shots early in possessions, and missed free throws. Basically, Roy Williams basketball.

But there was some good. Six good things. There right here. Right below where you're reading right now. Look down slightly to find out.

Eric Maynor, VCU: Like I told you on Tournament Eve, he will be your new god. Maynor was the best guard in the Tournament. He also makes an awesome beef briscuit. And he makes it by using magic. The Rand Corporation is trying to harness that briscuit magic for a chain restaurant, but Maynor will have none of it. Instead, he slapped them around like Greg Paulus.

Bambale Osby, Maryland: Osby was the biggest reason we were saved from another upset.* From his two-handed blocks of borderline Division I players, to his logic-defying free throws, to that time where he, Clair, Theo and the girls lip-synched the Ray Charles song for his parents’ anniversary, Osby was one of the two top stories of the Tournament. Then Maryland got knocked off by a plucky** Butler team.

Tight Pants Teddy Valentine and the refs: Nothing more exciting than touch fouls. Unless it’s a touch foul away from the ball! Kevin Durant drew four fouls while eating Froot Loops the morning of their first round game (in which Texas had no right beating New Mexico State). Mike Kitts brought rape charges against Greg Oden.

Seth Davis: Continues to be a beacon of light for little boys and girls everywhere who posses nothing in the way of writing skills, and zero knowledge of the basic rules of basketball, yet want to cover basketball for the biggest television network. Shine on you crazy diamond.

Greg Oden, Ohio State: Oh yeah, because of that whole being the best player in the country thing. If you still think Durant is better than Oden after watching Monday night’s game, then you must not have a see-through colon. Because your head is so far up your ass. And even if you did have a see-through colon, you’d probably just be looking at your gallbladder or something.

Taurean Green, Florida: The clown prince of college basketball! Green's hilarious slapstick act included funny misses of the most makable shots, goofy ill-advised shots, hilariously telegraphed passes, a comical tendency to allow his man to go in for a lay-up unabated, and the comedy classic: repeatedly dribbling the ball off his own foot. Green's wacky antics may have kept the Gators from beating every team by 40-plus. But they also brought out the kid in us all.

*- Upset meaning some mediocre six-footer hit three straight threes. Fucking Yeah! Excitement!

**-By plucky, I mean a mostly white team that was overmatched, but benefited from suspect officiating and a the comically unchallening NCAA three-point line.

THE OSBY SHOW

Saturday, 3:20 p.m. (starring Bambale Osby and Phylicia Rashad)

This could be the first year that One Shining Moment includes highlights from only two players: Osby and Eric Maynor. Okay, and maybe Jackson State's Stanley Turner.

MARCH CRAZY INSANITY

It's that time of year, when everyone fills out their brackets and then everyone discusses their brackets with each other but it's really boring to hear about it, which is why, if you're a single man, you're not going to get any sex this weekend because girls think you're fucking boring. You say it doesn't matter now, but let's see what you're thinking around 3:30 Sunday morning when the only company you have is your useless, now-tattered bracket and bitter, bitter tears.

Here's some tips to make your weekend of basketball more enjoyable.

See that basketball hat in the picture. It's right there and it's really big. Wear it. And buy an extra in case you get a lot of sweat and saliva in the first one. It shows that you love basketball a lot, and everyone will want to be your friend.

If you go to a bar, bring this comic with you (OMG LOL LOL LOL OMG LOL). Show it to everyone. If they don't laugh, it means they know nothing about basketball. Therefore, they can be told to eat your ass.

If someone says they like CBS's Seth Davis, kick them in the throat. (Make sure it's someone shorter than you, or politely ask them to crouch down. And make sure you've stretched thoroughly beforehand.)

This guy will win your bracket pool:

Congratulate him beforehand. That guy in the sunglasses behind him? He'll be pissed. And later he'll definitely going to get in a tussle at the gun club when he finds out the blondies are gone.

Eric Maynor will be your new god. Prepare accordingly, because he's a vengeful god.