FIX COLLEGE BASKETBALL OR GO TO HELL

So many of my reader(s) have been demanding that I share my plan on how to fix the shitfest that college basketball has become, because most of my reader(s) are selfish jerks who don't understand that I have a life outside of updating this blog once a week, a life that includes 7-11 Go-Go Taquitos with my friends Tad and Ira, and watching my Chicago Hope DVDs.

But being worshiped is part of the territory when you're a blogger. And I accept that responsibility fully. So you go, you dirtbags:

1. Move the three-point line back. Like 20 feet. It's supposed to be a challenging shot, which is why you get an extra point for it. That guy who invented basketball (I think his name was Professor Claude Basket of DeVry University) must be spinning in his grave if he's dead. And if he's not, he's probably been vomiting for like three straight weeks, or at least any time Butler is televised.

2. Adapt the NBA's no-charge circle. Moving under a player who is going to the basket and then flopping should not be an acceptable form of defense, and it's what gives us teams like Butler and Shane Battier-led Duke winning games when they have no right. Anyone trying to draw a charge inside the circle receives a technical and an automatic ejection. If the same team has two players attempt to draw a charge inside the circle, they automatically forfeit the game. Three: the offending team has to disband and be placed under individual house arrest for one calendar year. If a referee incorrectly calls a charge inside the circle, he may finish officiating the game, but must have his testicles removed immediately thereafter. For the remainder of his officiating career, that ref will be followed by a sniper with a crossbow during all games. Should he again incorrectly call a charge inside the no-charge circle, he is to be shot in the spine.

3. Change the officials' uniforms. Have you seen the fuck me pants these guys wear? The FCC prohibits telecasts from showing an official from behind. Just put Tight Pants Teddy Valentine and company in something a little more tasteful and leaves a little more to the imagination, like assless chaps.


















4. Actually, fire every official who worked a game this year. College basketball officiating is so poor, we'd be better off is players got to call their own fouls. Kevin Durant wouldn't even put himself on the line as often as officials did this season.

5. Pee on Myles Brand. I don't have anything against him per say, but he's such a useless human being. And you know what he makes? $738,000. A year. That's almost double what I make writing this blog. And I have to update it like once a week.

So there you go, you filthy animals. If college basketball is ever going to be watchable again, they'll follow -- to a tee -- those five steps.

OMG WHAT A CRAZY WEEK!!!!!

I know, I know I haven't posted in a while, but I'm back. Things have just been so crazy lately and I'm totally stressed.

As you know, this blog is just blowing up and everyone is totally stoked on me. But my Facebook friend Ira Bonds and I had a big fight because while we were at the pitch-and-putt my best friend Tad said he thought Ira's cousin Barry Bonds was eating steroids and I didn't take Ira's side. It was totally awkward being in the middle there because I love Tad and I love Ira too and I want them to get along so much. OMG OMG OMG!

So I'm sorry, and I'll post more now. TTYL OMG BFF!

THE FUTURE OF BASKETBALL UNIFORMS

OR

WELCOME TO SYRACUSE BASKETBALL, I LOVE YOU

I had to let these new Syracuse uniforms marinate for a couple days. When I first saw them, I assumed I had been selected by the Pentagon to be the guinea pig for a top-secret hibernation program. Forgotten, I awoke 500 years in the future. I discovered a society so incredibly dumbed-down that I'm easily the most intelligent person alive. I wrote a screenplay about it. But it turns out Mike Judge already made that movie. And ironically, these new Syracuse uniforms look like something out of Idiocracy:


I fear change. But usually I don't have a reason. These half body suit/half long skirt uniforms are a horrible prank being played on the once-proud Syracuse basketball program. SU's previous low point was signing this.

Then it moved a little lower by nicknaming the Carrier Dome the "Loud House." If you've ever been to the Carrier Dome, you'll realize it's neither a house, field or otherwise, nor is it loud. (You'd never think 30,000 people could make so little noise. My good friend Tad and I hit higher decibels when we sob uncontrollably on Gordon Lightfoot Wednesdays).

But this is not just a low point for a fading basketball program. This is a low point for the human
race if more than one person thought this looked good. Think I'm overreacting? This is what Syracuse's Nike-designed men's basketball uniforms will look like in 2027 (artist's depiction):

And those haircuts will be Phil Knight-mandatory.

There's no way around it. The end is near. Soon the mighty hand of Zeus will reach down from the sky and usher in a new age or something along those lines. It's in Revelations, people.

Luckily for me, my friend Tad and I have been working on a fallout shelter for just such a day. His wife Rhoda can come too, since we have to procreate. But I wish we had spent that extra $2.99 on that KMart shower curtain so they could have some privacy.

I guess my point is that every member of the Syracuse basketball team looks like an asshole in those uniforms.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK (MARCH 5-11): NIRVANA



I know it's Tuesday night, but the votes have been counted, and it's 1-0 for Nirvana.

I was watching the tele the other day and heard Breed playing on a commercial for MLB 2K7. Did it excite your emotions? Should you be outraged? Probably.

But since I have no readers, I'm going to have to disagree with myself. It's a fucking awesome song and it's cool that I got to hear it even though I could easily listen to it on my MP3 player made by Apple Computers or my CD player. And I'm probably going to buy the game even though most baseball games are disappointing and I'm sure I'll be disappointed by the game, but now I associate it with Nirvana and I like Nirvana.

It's just like how I waited in line all weekend with my friend Tad Goodfellow to see Wild Hogs. I hate Tim Allen and John Travolta. I kind of used to like Bill Macy. I can live with or without Martin Lawrence. But I saw it because the trailer includes a clip of Kyle Gass signing karaoke. The movie wasn't be entertaining in the least. There's nothing funny about KG singing that Pussycat Girls song or whatever that crap shit is. But when I see him I think of Tenacious D, so for six seconds I thought of Jesus Ranch and Lee and whatnot. Plus, Kage is wearing a sweater that reminds me of one that my friend Nick has. So you can see how I had to see Wild Hogs for the bargain basement price of $9.75. And it's really a movie you have to see at the theater if you want the full effect of Ray Liotta's pores.

Later that afternoon I helped Tad paint his new deck. Then me, him, and his wife Rhoda played 21 until I gave Rhoda a Gerald Henderson-style elbow to the face as she was about to finish us off. That's the way Coach K would have wanted it.

Anyway, you won this round 2K Sports. Want me to buy NBA 2K8 next year? Try Chicago's 25 or 6 to 4 on the soundtrack.

YOU HAVE BEEN NAMED TO AN ALL-BIG EAST MEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM

Congratulations. If you have ever been affiliated with a Big East school (like, say, that time you had a connecting flight in Louisville), you were named to the men's basketball team.

See the full team here. Anyone under the heading "honorable mention" should be ashamed. Not only are you awful at basketball, but you probably smell terrible if everyone hated you so much that you weren't one of the seemingly thousands of players named to the first- and second-teams.

But if I could just contradict myself for a second, since I don't have any readers to do it, perhaps the Big East is just preparing for the day that the all-conference teams play each other for conference supremacy. Sure, the Big Ten might look nasty, but they're just five players. The Big East's starting team alone has 11. They could triple-team Greg Oden with Aaron Gray, Herbert Hill, and Roy Hibbert, and still have eight other defenders in the passing lane. And they can bring a fresh 10 off the bench whenever needed. That's more than enough to make up for the inevitable 5-for-16 shooting performance of Demetris Nichols.

(The woman pictured is Rhoda, wife of my good friend Tad Goodfellow. She sucks at basketball. Even I beat her nearly half the time. But her grocer went to DePaul, thus her All-Conference honors.)