DANNY AINGE SHOULD STAR IN AN ORIGINAL SITCOM WHERE HE LEARNS ABOUT KARMA OR SOMETHING

Terrific is the only way to explain last night's draft lottery. I don't even know who got the No. 1 pick (it was the Ottawa Rough Riders. I don't have time to look it up). Terrific because the Celtics tanked an entire season for nothing.

And yes, they tanked an entire season. What other reason would they have for acquiring Sebastian Telfair. To prove some sort of political point about gun control laws and why we should be able to bring loaded guns on to planes? (Which, of course, is because planes are often targeted by freelance terrorists in weather balloons.)

Paul Pierce spent more time hanging out with world-renowned actors than playing basketball. Telfair spent more time on the court than in police lineups. That's tanking a season.

And for it, the Celtics -- as my grandmother used to say to me when I was a young child -- "get completely fucked in the ass." There are three potential superstars in this draft: Greg Oden, Kevin Durant, and Brandan Wright. There is one potential perennial All-Star: Jeff Green.

The Celtics will take Chinese forward Yi Jianlian, who this October will celebrate his 20th birthday for the third time. Apparently the space-time contiuum works differently in or something. Or he's trapped in some sort of isolated Groundhog's Day loop. I don't really know how it works.

But why not take Jeff Green? Because after a season of shitting on fans with a horrible on-the-court product, the Celtics need someone marketable. Yi is (for now). Green is not. And apparently, this isn't either.

FIX COLLEGE BASKETBALL OR GO TO HELL

So many of my reader(s) have been demanding that I share my plan on how to fix the shitfest that college basketball has become, because most of my reader(s) are selfish jerks who don't understand that I have a life outside of updating this blog once a week, a life that includes 7-11 Go-Go Taquitos with my friends Tad and Ira, and watching my Chicago Hope DVDs.

But being worshiped is part of the territory when you're a blogger. And I accept that responsibility fully. So you go, you dirtbags:

1. Move the three-point line back. Like 20 feet. It's supposed to be a challenging shot, which is why you get an extra point for it. That guy who invented basketball (I think his name was Professor Claude Basket of DeVry University) must be spinning in his grave if he's dead. And if he's not, he's probably been vomiting for like three straight weeks, or at least any time Butler is televised.

2. Adapt the NBA's no-charge circle. Moving under a player who is going to the basket and then flopping should not be an acceptable form of defense, and it's what gives us teams like Butler and Shane Battier-led Duke winning games when they have no right. Anyone trying to draw a charge inside the circle receives a technical and an automatic ejection. If the same team has two players attempt to draw a charge inside the circle, they automatically forfeit the game. Three: the offending team has to disband and be placed under individual house arrest for one calendar year. If a referee incorrectly calls a charge inside the circle, he may finish officiating the game, but must have his testicles removed immediately thereafter. For the remainder of his officiating career, that ref will be followed by a sniper with a crossbow during all games. Should he again incorrectly call a charge inside the no-charge circle, he is to be shot in the spine.

3. Change the officials' uniforms. Have you seen the fuck me pants these guys wear? The FCC prohibits telecasts from showing an official from behind. Just put Tight Pants Teddy Valentine and company in something a little more tasteful and leaves a little more to the imagination, like assless chaps.


















4. Actually, fire every official who worked a game this year. College basketball officiating is so poor, we'd be better off is players got to call their own fouls. Kevin Durant wouldn't even put himself on the line as often as officials did this season.

5. Pee on Myles Brand. I don't have anything against him per say, but he's such a useless human being. And you know what he makes? $738,000. A year. That's almost double what I make writing this blog. And I have to update it like once a week.

So there you go, you filthy animals. If college basketball is ever going to be watchable again, they'll follow -- to a tee -- those five steps.