EVERYONE VS. COLIN COWHERD

This is a SHFSB exclusive. No wait, everyone on the planet has already wrote about this? What about Bea Arthur? Really? Okay. And you know what, she looks great. You really do Bea. Call me.

Anyway, it turns out that Colin Cowherd is kind of a penis. Which is surprising, because most unknown sports talk radio guys are wicked cool and stuff. Did you know Billy Dee Williams started in sports talk radio? Well he did. I'll save you the trip to Wikipedia.

Anyway, Cowherd, who is a certified penis, launched a DNS attack against The Big Lead by telling his various 40-something, lonely, lonely, very lonely, have-never-touched-a-woman-in-their-lives-except-for-that-one-time-on-the-bus-when-
that-Bennigan's-hostess-accidentally-brushed-against-their-thigh-and-then-they-had-
an-erection-for-a-week lonely listeners to simultaneously log on, thereby crashing their servers.

Anyway, as punishment for what could be an illegal act, the new ESPN ombudsman yelled at Cowherd or something. But of course, the ESPN ombudsman carries only slightly more authority than the United Nations, and slightly less than your local toll booth operator. So apparently, if it's not specifically written in to the ESPN radio policy, Colin Cowherd can now molest children and, even if arrested, can still air his awesome radical outrageousness from prison.

And the real upside for ESPN is, as they push into the art of blogging three years after the rest of the world (even me!) started, they're really gaining a lot of popularity from employing awesome cowabunga radical dudes like Colin Cowherd!

On kind of a similar topic (and by "similar," I mean exactly the same), I guess Cowherd is now being referred to as "Schrutebag" by most of the blogosphere, even though that nickname isn't really mean, doesn't make sense (and that's coming from me), and just kind of makes anyone who uses it sound like a 'tard.

(Look back at that paragraph. "Tard" is only the second-stupidest word in that graf. So I won't be typing "Schrutebag" again ever.)

But since I have a blog, I feel this incident really effects me. And I would suggest to my local state senator force all ESPN employees to take the following oath if I have a local state senator and he/she has some sort of jurisdiction over ESPN:

"If I, [state your name], as an employee of the self-proclaimed worldwide leader in sports and ESPN Hollywood and Skip Bayless, should use a DNS attack against a website for any reason, may I be forced to work in an outdated media with only very lonely, single men in their mid-40's as my audience. In addition, may my hair begin to fall out in a male-pattern baldness fade, and may the bottom third of my nose be removed, and the remaining cartilage upturned in order to resemble those people in that Twilight Zone episode where everyone had the pig noses and stuff. In addition may I have any sense of humor and logic choked out of my body and mind, and may I act like a general douche liked only by very lonely men in their mid-40's."


(And in similar news, and by "similar" I mean completely off-topic, I'm like 90 percent sure the Casual Baby shot Mamba.)