FIX COLLEGE BASKETBALL OR GO TO HELL

So many of my reader(s) have been demanding that I share my plan on how to fix the shitfest that college basketball has become, because most of my reader(s) are selfish jerks who don't understand that I have a life outside of updating this blog once a week, a life that includes 7-11 Go-Go Taquitos with my friends Tad and Ira, and watching my Chicago Hope DVDs.

But being worshiped is part of the territory when you're a blogger. And I accept that responsibility fully. So you go, you dirtbags:

1. Move the three-point line back. Like 20 feet. It's supposed to be a challenging shot, which is why you get an extra point for it. That guy who invented basketball (I think his name was Professor Claude Basket of DeVry University) must be spinning in his grave if he's dead. And if he's not, he's probably been vomiting for like three straight weeks, or at least any time Butler is televised.

2. Adapt the NBA's no-charge circle. Moving under a player who is going to the basket and then flopping should not be an acceptable form of defense, and it's what gives us teams like Butler and Shane Battier-led Duke winning games when they have no right. Anyone trying to draw a charge inside the circle receives a technical and an automatic ejection. If the same team has two players attempt to draw a charge inside the circle, they automatically forfeit the game. Three: the offending team has to disband and be placed under individual house arrest for one calendar year. If a referee incorrectly calls a charge inside the circle, he may finish officiating the game, but must have his testicles removed immediately thereafter. For the remainder of his officiating career, that ref will be followed by a sniper with a crossbow during all games. Should he again incorrectly call a charge inside the no-charge circle, he is to be shot in the spine.

3. Change the officials' uniforms. Have you seen the fuck me pants these guys wear? The FCC prohibits telecasts from showing an official from behind. Just put Tight Pants Teddy Valentine and company in something a little more tasteful and leaves a little more to the imagination, like assless chaps.


















4. Actually, fire every official who worked a game this year. College basketball officiating is so poor, we'd be better off is players got to call their own fouls. Kevin Durant wouldn't even put himself on the line as often as officials did this season.

5. Pee on Myles Brand. I don't have anything against him per say, but he's such a useless human being. And you know what he makes? $738,000. A year. That's almost double what I make writing this blog. And I have to update it like once a week.

So there you go, you filthy animals. If college basketball is ever going to be watchable again, they'll follow -- to a tee -- those five steps.