PITCHERS WHO ARE BETTER THAN MARK PRIOR, VOL. 2


This is a service for anyone participating in fantasy baseball. A lot of people are considering drafting Mark Prior, despite all evidence that he is bad at baseball. So unless your league counts wild pitches, DL trips, rehab assignments, starts lasting fewer than two innings, or draft day signing bonus-to-career wins ratio, you're not going to want him on your team. Everyday until Opening Day, except for on days on which we don't do it, we'll list one pitcher who is better than Mark Prior. Here goes:


Noah Lowry, San Francisco Giants

THE FUTURE OF BASKETBALL UNIFORMS

OR

WELCOME TO SYRACUSE BASKETBALL, I LOVE YOU

I had to let these new Syracuse uniforms marinate for a couple days. When I first saw them, I assumed I had been selected by the Pentagon to be the guinea pig for a top-secret hibernation program. Forgotten, I awoke 500 years in the future. I discovered a society so incredibly dumbed-down that I'm easily the most intelligent person alive. I wrote a screenplay about it. But it turns out Mike Judge already made that movie. And ironically, these new Syracuse uniforms look like something out of Idiocracy:


I fear change. But usually I don't have a reason. These half body suit/half long skirt uniforms are a horrible prank being played on the once-proud Syracuse basketball program. SU's previous low point was signing this.

Then it moved a little lower by nicknaming the Carrier Dome the "Loud House." If you've ever been to the Carrier Dome, you'll realize it's neither a house, field or otherwise, nor is it loud. (You'd never think 30,000 people could make so little noise. My good friend Tad and I hit higher decibels when we sob uncontrollably on Gordon Lightfoot Wednesdays).

But this is not just a low point for a fading basketball program. This is a low point for the human
race if more than one person thought this looked good. Think I'm overreacting? This is what Syracuse's Nike-designed men's basketball uniforms will look like in 2027 (artist's depiction):

And those haircuts will be Phil Knight-mandatory.

There's no way around it. The end is near. Soon the mighty hand of Zeus will reach down from the sky and usher in a new age or something along those lines. It's in Revelations, people.

Luckily for me, my friend Tad and I have been working on a fallout shelter for just such a day. His wife Rhoda can come too, since we have to procreate. But I wish we had spent that extra $2.99 on that KMart shower curtain so they could have some privacy.

I guess my point is that every member of the Syracuse basketball team looks like an asshole in those uniforms.

SPRING MEANS BUTCH HUSKEY

Remember this fresh-faced youngster? In the mid-90's, Butch Huskey was to spring training what God is to church, or something along those lines. And like all great athletes, he called it quits at age 29 when he was well past his prime.

We gave Butch a call recently to ask about life after baseball and what he thinks of Simpsons seasons 10-18, which pretty much suck.

Butch: Hello?
SHFSB: Hi, Butch Huskey please.
Butch: Who?
SHFSB: Butch.
Butch: There's no one hear by that name.
SHFSB: Oh. I see.
Butch: Is this Steve?
SHFSB: Yeah. Ira? Ira Bonds?
Butch: Yeah.
SHFSB: Sorry. I thought I was calling Butch Huskey, who was to spring training what God was to church.
Butch: Oh yeah, whatever happened to that guy?
SHFSB: Don't know. That's why I'm calling him. How's Barry?
Butch: Good. He and the Giants do this American Idol thing during spring training that's so silly and crazy and Barry pretended like he was Paula Abdul and he wore a wig and everything and for once it actually helped that he had breasts and it was really funny OMG LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL.
SHFSB: LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL OMG LOL.
Butch: You're still down for Arby's this afternoon, yes?
SHFSB: Five roast beef sandwiches for $5.95? Just try to stop me friend of friends. TTYL BFF.

So there you go. My good Facebook friend Ira Bonds, Barry's cousin, and I are going to Arby's this afternoon.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK (MARCH 5-11): NIRVANA



I know it's Tuesday night, but the votes have been counted, and it's 1-0 for Nirvana.

I was watching the tele the other day and heard Breed playing on a commercial for MLB 2K7. Did it excite your emotions? Should you be outraged? Probably.

But since I have no readers, I'm going to have to disagree with myself. It's a fucking awesome song and it's cool that I got to hear it even though I could easily listen to it on my MP3 player made by Apple Computers or my CD player. And I'm probably going to buy the game even though most baseball games are disappointing and I'm sure I'll be disappointed by the game, but now I associate it with Nirvana and I like Nirvana.

It's just like how I waited in line all weekend with my friend Tad Goodfellow to see Wild Hogs. I hate Tim Allen and John Travolta. I kind of used to like Bill Macy. I can live with or without Martin Lawrence. But I saw it because the trailer includes a clip of Kyle Gass signing karaoke. The movie wasn't be entertaining in the least. There's nothing funny about KG singing that Pussycat Girls song or whatever that crap shit is. But when I see him I think of Tenacious D, so for six seconds I thought of Jesus Ranch and Lee and whatnot. Plus, Kage is wearing a sweater that reminds me of one that my friend Nick has. So you can see how I had to see Wild Hogs for the bargain basement price of $9.75. And it's really a movie you have to see at the theater if you want the full effect of Ray Liotta's pores.

Later that afternoon I helped Tad paint his new deck. Then me, him, and his wife Rhoda played 21 until I gave Rhoda a Gerald Henderson-style elbow to the face as she was about to finish us off. That's the way Coach K would have wanted it.

Anyway, you won this round 2K Sports. Want me to buy NBA 2K8 next year? Try Chicago's 25 or 6 to 4 on the soundtrack.

PITCHERS WHO ARE BETTER THAN MARK PRIOR, VOL. 1


This is a service for anyone participating in fantasy baseball. A lot of people are considering drafting Mark Prior, despite all evidence that he is bad at baseball. So unless your league counts wild pitches, DL trips, rehab assignments, starts lasting fewer than two innings, or draft day signing bonus-to-career wins ratio, you're not going to want him on your team. Everyday until Opening Day, except for on days on which we don't do it, we'll list one pitcher who is better than Mark Prior. Here goes:

Tom Gorzelanny, Pittsburgh Pirates

BARRY BONDS = NOT SPECIAL















Well, all the home runs and stuff are. And even before he naturally doubled in size sometime in his early 30's he was actually very special. And even as a kid he was very special because his dad was an awesome baseball player. But Barry Bonds is not special for receiving death threats, as he told some radio show that no one listens to.

Every professional athlete gets death threats. My aunt threatens to stab Orioles back-up catcher Paul Bako in the leg on the third Tuesday of every month. The crazy guy on Houston and Crosby with the orange footy pajamas threatened to kill me the other day if I didn't stop dribbling my basketball down the street.

The real loser in all this is manager Bruce Bochy. His size 14 head is no match for Bonds. And these Barry Bonds death threats are destroying him. Look at the picture of that care-free and seemingly confused young man from 1970's on the left. Now look at current day Bochy on the right. It's almost as if time has aged him somehow. He looks like Dennis Miller. But he's probably funnier than Dennis Miller.

(FULL DISCLAIMER: I have a ton of Barry Bonds rookie cards that I need to unload, so let's say we all help in driving that market back up. Also, Barry's cousin Ira Bonds is one of my Facebook friends.)

YOU HAVE BEEN NAMED TO AN ALL-BIG EAST MEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM

Congratulations. If you have ever been affiliated with a Big East school (like, say, that time you had a connecting flight in Louisville), you were named to the men's basketball team.

See the full team here. Anyone under the heading "honorable mention" should be ashamed. Not only are you awful at basketball, but you probably smell terrible if everyone hated you so much that you weren't one of the seemingly thousands of players named to the first- and second-teams.

But if I could just contradict myself for a second, since I don't have any readers to do it, perhaps the Big East is just preparing for the day that the all-conference teams play each other for conference supremacy. Sure, the Big Ten might look nasty, but they're just five players. The Big East's starting team alone has 11. They could triple-team Greg Oden with Aaron Gray, Herbert Hill, and Roy Hibbert, and still have eight other defenders in the passing lane. And they can bring a fresh 10 off the bench whenever needed. That's more than enough to make up for the inevitable 5-for-16 shooting performance of Demetris Nichols.

(The woman pictured is Rhoda, wife of my good friend Tad Goodfellow. She sucks at basketball. Even I beat her nearly half the time. But her grocer went to DePaul, thus her All-Conference honors.)

JOURNALISM IS HARD

From Profootballtalk.com, which generally kicks ass:

"Earlier on Monday, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported that Steelers cornerback Deshea Townsend and practice squad player Raymond Burgess were arrested over the weekend.

But we later learned that Burgess is not, and never has been, a member of the team. Instead, he's a bartender at the club where the fight occurred.

And, apparently, we're right. Because the Tribune-Review story has been revised, with no reference to the fact that it ever said that Burgess played for the Steelers."

Also, Townsend denies he was arrested. Only the best from our friends at the Tribune company. Go Cubs!

(FULL DISCLOSURE: The Chicago Cubs have been scamming you for decades with this lovable loser bullshit. They're not putting out a winning product because they know you will continue to show up to games and buy your $9 beers and $15 foam fingers and Michael Wuertz jerseys and $90 bleacher seats to their decrepit craphole stadium.)