WHY GOD CREATED THE NBA DRAFT LOTTERY

First of all, the next person who says the NBA doesn't need a draft lottery is getting punched in some body part to be determined.

The NBA Draft is not the NFL Draft for numerous reasons. In the NBA, one player can make a much larger impact than a single NFL player can make.

And more importlantly: In the NBA the No. 1 overall pick will take up only a small portion of his team's cap room thank to the rookie salary scale.

In the NFL, top 5 picks eat up an absurd amount of cap space. It's why no one would trade up with Detroit to take Calvin Johnson, despite Johnson being considered the closest thing maybe ever to a "can't-miss" prospect. Because, if a top pick doesn't make a significant impact, you just pissed away a staggering amount of money.

In the NBA, you're essentially adding a player for free. If there were no lottery, then any team not guaranteed to be a title contender should be trying to go 0-82. Except for the Knicks, because Isiah will have pissed away all their draft picks and cap room anyway.

Okay, it looks like we have our first question for the mailbag. And I mean ever; I do not have an email account:

Why doesn't the NBA let us watch the Lottery?
Wiley R. (Statesboro, Georgia)

it's because the NBA no longer uses the little ping pong balls with team logos. They use a bunch of numbered balls, and each lottery team has multiple four-digit combinations assigned to them. It's like the Play 4 thing that I never win because the state lottery is totally fixed.

So why not just televise the numbers popping up and make public the list of team combinations? Because it would be shitty TV. Crossing Jordan shitty. And the biggest reason the NBA has a Draft Lottery is not to ensure competitive integrity late in the season, but because it's a television event that will draw viewers, and draw journalists to write about it for a week before and a week after.

There's drama in the opening of envelopes. I see it every day at the post office that I hang out at
because I don't have a job or friends and the smell of envelope glue kind of makes me high and people get all uptight when I ask them if I can seal their envelopes for them.

It's highly unlikely that Stern is still fixing the lottery, because he'd have to have every owner and team exec on board with the plan. And Stern has too many owners he can't control. Mark Cuban (DOOOOOOOOORK) would be putting it all over his "web log" (DOOOOOOOOORK) if those kinds of shenanigans going on.

And a different Wiley R. of Statesboro, Georgia writes in:

If the Hawks landed outside the top 3, they would have gotten Atlanta's pick. If the lottery isn't fixed, then how did the Suns get screwed for badmouthing Stu Jackson just because he ruined an entire NBA season?

The Suns actually make out better without getting that pick in the 2007 Draft.

If they don't pay a first-round pick this year (say they take Tiago Splitter and Rudy Fernandez with their two first-rounders and leave them in Europe next season), the Suns aren't THAT far into luxury tax territory. If they had a lottery pick, they wouldn't be able to take a draft-and-stash guy, therefore forcing them to deal Shawn Marion or Amare Stoudemire in order to avoid paying Jim Dolan-type luxury tax cash.

If owner Robert Sarver isn't a total deuche, he'll suck it up and pay a little luxury tax to keep last year's team in tact (since they were Stu Jackson retardation away from a title this year, and the Steve Nash title window is closing). Or, if he is a total deuche, they could trade Kurt Thomas and his expiring contract, and try to add an NBA-ready, defensive-minded big with one of their two first-rounders, more than likely keeping them under the cap.

Then, next year Phoenix gets the Hawks' pick unprotected. And is Atlanta really going to be much better than last year? There's a decent chance it becomes the No. 1 pick of the draft.

For Phoenix to keep the pick this year, it would have had to be between 4 and 7. There are three guys in the '07 Draft (Greg Oden, Kevin Durant, and Brandan Wright) who are virtual locks to be better than anyone coming out next year. And the only guy who eats the amount of lead paint chips that would cause someone to pass on Brandan Wright at No. 3 is Hawks GM Billy Knight, so there's no way Phoenix could have landed Wright.

So Phoenix now gets another shot at the title next year, add a high lottery pick in the '08 Draft to replace Marion or Stoudemire, and contend until Nash can no longer walk.

And here's how Portland becomes the NBA's next superpower:

1. June 28, 2007: Draft Greg Oden.

2. Janury 24, 2009: Trade Darius Miles, Zach Randolph, and Joel Przybilla to New York Knicks for Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, Malik Rose, and unprotected No. 1 pick.

3. July 1, 2009: Allow contracts of Francis, Marbury, and Rose to expire.

4. July 16, 2009: Use new-found cap room to sign free agent Deron Williams to start alongside Oden, Brandon Roy, and LaMarcus Aldridge.

5. 2010-2020: Win 10 consecutive NBA championships.

FIX COLLEGE BASKETBALL OR GO TO HELL

So many of my reader(s) have been demanding that I share my plan on how to fix the shitfest that college basketball has become, because most of my reader(s) are selfish jerks who don't understand that I have a life outside of updating this blog once a week, a life that includes 7-11 Go-Go Taquitos with my friends Tad and Ira, and watching my Chicago Hope DVDs.

But being worshiped is part of the territory when you're a blogger. And I accept that responsibility fully. So you go, you dirtbags:

1. Move the three-point line back. Like 20 feet. It's supposed to be a challenging shot, which is why you get an extra point for it. That guy who invented basketball (I think his name was Professor Claude Basket of DeVry University) must be spinning in his grave if he's dead. And if he's not, he's probably been vomiting for like three straight weeks, or at least any time Butler is televised.

2. Adapt the NBA's no-charge circle. Moving under a player who is going to the basket and then flopping should not be an acceptable form of defense, and it's what gives us teams like Butler and Shane Battier-led Duke winning games when they have no right. Anyone trying to draw a charge inside the circle receives a technical and an automatic ejection. If the same team has two players attempt to draw a charge inside the circle, they automatically forfeit the game. Three: the offending team has to disband and be placed under individual house arrest for one calendar year. If a referee incorrectly calls a charge inside the circle, he may finish officiating the game, but must have his testicles removed immediately thereafter. For the remainder of his officiating career, that ref will be followed by a sniper with a crossbow during all games. Should he again incorrectly call a charge inside the no-charge circle, he is to be shot in the spine.

3. Change the officials' uniforms. Have you seen the fuck me pants these guys wear? The FCC prohibits telecasts from showing an official from behind. Just put Tight Pants Teddy Valentine and company in something a little more tasteful and leaves a little more to the imagination, like assless chaps.


















4. Actually, fire every official who worked a game this year. College basketball officiating is so poor, we'd be better off is players got to call their own fouls. Kevin Durant wouldn't even put himself on the line as often as officials did this season.

5. Pee on Myles Brand. I don't have anything against him per say, but he's such a useless human being. And you know what he makes? $738,000. A year. That's almost double what I make writing this blog. And I have to update it like once a week.

So there you go, you filthy animals. If college basketball is ever going to be watchable again, they'll follow -- to a tee -- those five steps.

ALL-TOURNAMENT TEAM: YOU'RE ALL WINNERS UNLESS YOU PARTICIPATED IN OR WATCHED THIS TOURNAMENT

With what was easily the worst NCAA Tournament of the last six centuries coming to an end, it’s time to award the First Annual SHFSB All-Tournament Awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.

The title game licked balls, just like about 60 of the 63 games in the tournament. If you liked this tournament you don't have a basic knowledge of basketball. Your confusing "close" games with "good" games. This year's close games were close because teams repeatedly choked away huge leads with horrendous turnovers, ill-advised shots early in possessions, and missed free throws. Basically, Roy Williams basketball.

But there was some good. Six good things. There right here. Right below where you're reading right now. Look down slightly to find out.

Eric Maynor, VCU: Like I told you on Tournament Eve, he will be your new god. Maynor was the best guard in the Tournament. He also makes an awesome beef briscuit. And he makes it by using magic. The Rand Corporation is trying to harness that briscuit magic for a chain restaurant, but Maynor will have none of it. Instead, he slapped them around like Greg Paulus.

Bambale Osby, Maryland: Osby was the biggest reason we were saved from another upset.* From his two-handed blocks of borderline Division I players, to his logic-defying free throws, to that time where he, Clair, Theo and the girls lip-synched the Ray Charles song for his parents’ anniversary, Osby was one of the two top stories of the Tournament. Then Maryland got knocked off by a plucky** Butler team.

Tight Pants Teddy Valentine and the refs: Nothing more exciting than touch fouls. Unless it’s a touch foul away from the ball! Kevin Durant drew four fouls while eating Froot Loops the morning of their first round game (in which Texas had no right beating New Mexico State). Mike Kitts brought rape charges against Greg Oden.

Seth Davis: Continues to be a beacon of light for little boys and girls everywhere who posses nothing in the way of writing skills, and zero knowledge of the basic rules of basketball, yet want to cover basketball for the biggest television network. Shine on you crazy diamond.

Greg Oden, Ohio State: Oh yeah, because of that whole being the best player in the country thing. If you still think Durant is better than Oden after watching Monday night’s game, then you must not have a see-through colon. Because your head is so far up your ass. And even if you did have a see-through colon, you’d probably just be looking at your gallbladder or something.

Taurean Green, Florida: The clown prince of college basketball! Green's hilarious slapstick act included funny misses of the most makable shots, goofy ill-advised shots, hilariously telegraphed passes, a comical tendency to allow his man to go in for a lay-up unabated, and the comedy classic: repeatedly dribbling the ball off his own foot. Green's wacky antics may have kept the Gators from beating every team by 40-plus. But they also brought out the kid in us all.

*- Upset meaning some mediocre six-footer hit three straight threes. Fucking Yeah! Excitement!

**-By plucky, I mean a mostly white team that was overmatched, but benefited from suspect officiating and a the comically unchallening NCAA three-point line.

MARCH CRAZY INSANITY

It's that time of year, when everyone fills out their brackets and then everyone discusses their brackets with each other but it's really boring to hear about it, which is why, if you're a single man, you're not going to get any sex this weekend because girls think you're fucking boring. You say it doesn't matter now, but let's see what you're thinking around 3:30 Sunday morning when the only company you have is your useless, now-tattered bracket and bitter, bitter tears.

Here's some tips to make your weekend of basketball more enjoyable.

See that basketball hat in the picture. It's right there and it's really big. Wear it. And buy an extra in case you get a lot of sweat and saliva in the first one. It shows that you love basketball a lot, and everyone will want to be your friend.

If you go to a bar, bring this comic with you (OMG LOL LOL LOL OMG LOL). Show it to everyone. If they don't laugh, it means they know nothing about basketball. Therefore, they can be told to eat your ass.

If someone says they like CBS's Seth Davis, kick them in the throat. (Make sure it's someone shorter than you, or politely ask them to crouch down. And make sure you've stretched thoroughly beforehand.)

This guy will win your bracket pool:

Congratulate him beforehand. That guy in the sunglasses behind him? He'll be pissed. And later he'll definitely going to get in a tussle at the gun club when he finds out the blondies are gone.

Eric Maynor will be your new god. Prepare accordingly, because he's a vengeful god.

YOU HAVE BEEN NAMED TO AN ALL-BIG EAST MEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM

Congratulations. If you have ever been affiliated with a Big East school (like, say, that time you had a connecting flight in Louisville), you were named to the men's basketball team.

See the full team here. Anyone under the heading "honorable mention" should be ashamed. Not only are you awful at basketball, but you probably smell terrible if everyone hated you so much that you weren't one of the seemingly thousands of players named to the first- and second-teams.

But if I could just contradict myself for a second, since I don't have any readers to do it, perhaps the Big East is just preparing for the day that the all-conference teams play each other for conference supremacy. Sure, the Big Ten might look nasty, but they're just five players. The Big East's starting team alone has 11. They could triple-team Greg Oden with Aaron Gray, Herbert Hill, and Roy Hibbert, and still have eight other defenders in the passing lane. And they can bring a fresh 10 off the bench whenever needed. That's more than enough to make up for the inevitable 5-for-16 shooting performance of Demetris Nichols.

(The woman pictured is Rhoda, wife of my good friend Tad Goodfellow. She sucks at basketball. Even I beat her nearly half the time. But her grocer went to DePaul, thus her All-Conference honors.)