FIX COLLEGE BASKETBALL OR GO TO HELL

So many of my reader(s) have been demanding that I share my plan on how to fix the shitfest that college basketball has become, because most of my reader(s) are selfish jerks who don't understand that I have a life outside of updating this blog once a week, a life that includes 7-11 Go-Go Taquitos with my friends Tad and Ira, and watching my Chicago Hope DVDs.

But being worshiped is part of the territory when you're a blogger. And I accept that responsibility fully. So you go, you dirtbags:

1. Move the three-point line back. Like 20 feet. It's supposed to be a challenging shot, which is why you get an extra point for it. That guy who invented basketball (I think his name was Professor Claude Basket of DeVry University) must be spinning in his grave if he's dead. And if he's not, he's probably been vomiting for like three straight weeks, or at least any time Butler is televised.

2. Adapt the NBA's no-charge circle. Moving under a player who is going to the basket and then flopping should not be an acceptable form of defense, and it's what gives us teams like Butler and Shane Battier-led Duke winning games when they have no right. Anyone trying to draw a charge inside the circle receives a technical and an automatic ejection. If the same team has two players attempt to draw a charge inside the circle, they automatically forfeit the game. Three: the offending team has to disband and be placed under individual house arrest for one calendar year. If a referee incorrectly calls a charge inside the circle, he may finish officiating the game, but must have his testicles removed immediately thereafter. For the remainder of his officiating career, that ref will be followed by a sniper with a crossbow during all games. Should he again incorrectly call a charge inside the no-charge circle, he is to be shot in the spine.

3. Change the officials' uniforms. Have you seen the fuck me pants these guys wear? The FCC prohibits telecasts from showing an official from behind. Just put Tight Pants Teddy Valentine and company in something a little more tasteful and leaves a little more to the imagination, like assless chaps.


















4. Actually, fire every official who worked a game this year. College basketball officiating is so poor, we'd be better off is players got to call their own fouls. Kevin Durant wouldn't even put himself on the line as often as officials did this season.

5. Pee on Myles Brand. I don't have anything against him per say, but he's such a useless human being. And you know what he makes? $738,000. A year. That's almost double what I make writing this blog. And I have to update it like once a week.

So there you go, you filthy animals. If college basketball is ever going to be watchable again, they'll follow -- to a tee -- those five steps.

ALL-TOURNAMENT TEAM: YOU'RE ALL WINNERS UNLESS YOU PARTICIPATED IN OR WATCHED THIS TOURNAMENT

With what was easily the worst NCAA Tournament of the last six centuries coming to an end, it’s time to award the First Annual SHFSB All-Tournament Awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.

The title game licked balls, just like about 60 of the 63 games in the tournament. If you liked this tournament you don't have a basic knowledge of basketball. Your confusing "close" games with "good" games. This year's close games were close because teams repeatedly choked away huge leads with horrendous turnovers, ill-advised shots early in possessions, and missed free throws. Basically, Roy Williams basketball.

But there was some good. Six good things. There right here. Right below where you're reading right now. Look down slightly to find out.

Eric Maynor, VCU: Like I told you on Tournament Eve, he will be your new god. Maynor was the best guard in the Tournament. He also makes an awesome beef briscuit. And he makes it by using magic. The Rand Corporation is trying to harness that briscuit magic for a chain restaurant, but Maynor will have none of it. Instead, he slapped them around like Greg Paulus.

Bambale Osby, Maryland: Osby was the biggest reason we were saved from another upset.* From his two-handed blocks of borderline Division I players, to his logic-defying free throws, to that time where he, Clair, Theo and the girls lip-synched the Ray Charles song for his parents’ anniversary, Osby was one of the two top stories of the Tournament. Then Maryland got knocked off by a plucky** Butler team.

Tight Pants Teddy Valentine and the refs: Nothing more exciting than touch fouls. Unless it’s a touch foul away from the ball! Kevin Durant drew four fouls while eating Froot Loops the morning of their first round game (in which Texas had no right beating New Mexico State). Mike Kitts brought rape charges against Greg Oden.

Seth Davis: Continues to be a beacon of light for little boys and girls everywhere who posses nothing in the way of writing skills, and zero knowledge of the basic rules of basketball, yet want to cover basketball for the biggest television network. Shine on you crazy diamond.

Greg Oden, Ohio State: Oh yeah, because of that whole being the best player in the country thing. If you still think Durant is better than Oden after watching Monday night’s game, then you must not have a see-through colon. Because your head is so far up your ass. And even if you did have a see-through colon, you’d probably just be looking at your gallbladder or something.

Taurean Green, Florida: The clown prince of college basketball! Green's hilarious slapstick act included funny misses of the most makable shots, goofy ill-advised shots, hilariously telegraphed passes, a comical tendency to allow his man to go in for a lay-up unabated, and the comedy classic: repeatedly dribbling the ball off his own foot. Green's wacky antics may have kept the Gators from beating every team by 40-plus. But they also brought out the kid in us all.

*- Upset meaning some mediocre six-footer hit three straight threes. Fucking Yeah! Excitement!

**-By plucky, I mean a mostly white team that was overmatched, but benefited from suspect officiating and a the comically unchallening NCAA three-point line.