THE FROGURT IS ALSO CURSED:
THIS WEEK IN LINKS
(OR STUFF THAT I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE WRITING A FULL POST ON)

That Transformers movie sure licked my balls.


Kool-Aid sales are through the roof in San Francisco!


Big reaction to the Sebastian Telfair trade, which swings the pendulum of economic, social, and basketball power towards Minnesota. Well, there hasn't been any reaction yet, so I'm just going to link to Puppy War (holla at me Tsuki fans). But I'm guessing America's youth will be flocking to Duluth (or wherever the T-Wolves play) to get their freshly-minted Telfair jerseys.


[phone rings]
George Karl: Hello?
Mitch Kupchak: Hello, mother leopard. I have you cub. You must protect him, but that will be expensive. Ten-thousand cola nuts, wrapped in brown paper. Midnight, behind the box. I'll be the hyena. You'll see.


So my friend Ira Bonds, Barry Bonds' cousin, is kind of in a tough place right now. He's getting a lot of people throwing jars of pee at him on the streets and whatnot, because they think he's Barry, and Barry's about to get a score or something (I don't really get baseball). If my reader(s) could drop him a quick note, I think it would really life his spirits. His email address is: MyFriendIra@computer.internet.

MORT SHOULD CONSIDER PHOENIX ONLINE
















Or at least, ESPN quote-reporter-unquote Chris Mortensen should go back to using his Google Reader for the majority of his sources. It's been a rough offseason for Mort, who has now embarrassed himself on two of the biggest stories of the past decade. Not only that, but he's embarrassed himself while trying to embarrass other reporters who are, uh, better at reporting. First, there was that whole thing where Mort and ESPN kind of had their asses handed to them on the Mike Tomlin-to-the-Steelers story. The Big Lead gives the rundown much better than I could after eating two boxes of Hot Pockets. Apparently Mike Tomlin isn't quite "NOW" enough to be on the ESPN radar. Maybe if he showed up to a Marroon 5 concert or something. And now, there's the whole thing where Mort, in the face of all accurate information and, well, logic, reported that the Falcons were told no, Mike Vick won't be indicted on federal charges. At least the grand jury had the decency to wait like 13 hours before making Mort look like a total boob. But the real awesomeness was when SI's Peter King politely alluded to Mort's general shittiness, leading to this (from PFT):

Though no one at ESPN will publicly acknowledge the erroneous July 6 declaration that Vick is not likely to be indicted, Peter King of SI, HBO, NBC (and, formerly, KFC) said Wednesday on The Dan Patrick Show on ESPN Radio that the first thing King thought of when he heard of the indictment was that Chris Mortensen probably isn't very happy.

After the spot with King ended, guest host Scott Van Pelt said that Mort had e-mailed the studio to point out that he didn't report that Vick wasn't likely to be indicted, but merely that the Falcons thought that Vick wasn't likely to be indicted.

So, by that token, I could say that sources tell me Tom Brady eats his own poo, and then if it's proven wrong (and I'm not saying it will be) I could say that I was just reporting that my source said that. That's why members of the media act as a "filter" in their reporting. I guess my point is that Chris Mortensen isn't very good at his job, and probably should find another career, perhaps a DeVry University degree in Entrepreneurship could help.

MARVIN LEWIS MIGHT BE TOO STUPID TO LIVE


I would love a job that allowed me to work with raw sewage.

Oh wait, I should clarify that. I would love a job that allowed me to work with raw sewage if my current job were in the Cincinnati Bengals' public relations department.

As if sharing a facility with the numerous lowlifes who make up the Bengals' roster wasn't bad enough. Head coach Marvin Lewis, he who brought in said lowlifes, has essentially crammed his foot, and really most of the lower half of his body, deep into his pie hole.

Lewis said on the Self-Proclaimed Worldwide Leader In Sports' most outdated media platform:

I think there's profiling, no question. We're a small place - our guys stand out, and they know that, and you've got to do things the right way. But when you are arrested for, or you are pulled over for, not putting on your turn signal, there's something wrong there. Many people make right turns without putting on their turn signals and it's unfortunate that we've had a guy that's pulled over for not putting on his turn signal.

There are just so many problems with those comments. I like lists, so let's make one.

1. Lewis said this out loud.

2. Lewis said this out loud on a nationally syndicated radio show that was currently being aired.

3. What exactly is Lewis implying happened to the mystery traffic law violator? In all likelihood, he received a warning or a small fine, which is what happens to people who violate traffic laws within site of a police officer. The way Lewis is talking, it sounds like the mystery traffic violator was immediately convicted of every unsolved crime in the city and sentenced to six life sentences a la Steve Sax (you watch too many movies Sax).

4. Bengals players are being profiled? How many times have Carson Palmer or Chad Johnson been arrested? Is anyone else on the team the least-bit recognizable. Do you think anyone in Cincinnati could pick Frostee Rucker out of a lineup? (I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. OH SNAP!)

5. The Marvin Lewis and the Bengals have been burning draft picks on have rap sheets that could only be described as Corey Dillon-esque. What does Lewis think is going to happen when he gives a bunch of career criminals each a six- or seven-figure salary? Savings and wise investments, or guns, drugs and prostitutes?

One of the most important things a head coach can preach is personal responsibility. Apparently, that's out the window in Cincy. A real organization would can Lewis right now. (Actually, a real organization would have canned Lewis the minute he brought up the name "Ahmad Brooks" in conjunction with a draft pick.) Comments like this show he's unfit to run his own life, let alone a professional sports franchise.

But let's remember the real victims here: Cincinnati Bengals public relations director Jack Brennan and his entire staff.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: I was going to make a joke at some point referring to sodomy in prison, but does that still go on? I know many of my readers are incarcerated, so let me know.)

WHY GOD CREATED THE NBA DRAFT LOTTERY

First of all, the next person who says the NBA doesn't need a draft lottery is getting punched in some body part to be determined.

The NBA Draft is not the NFL Draft for numerous reasons. In the NBA, one player can make a much larger impact than a single NFL player can make.

And more importlantly: In the NBA the No. 1 overall pick will take up only a small portion of his team's cap room thank to the rookie salary scale.

In the NFL, top 5 picks eat up an absurd amount of cap space. It's why no one would trade up with Detroit to take Calvin Johnson, despite Johnson being considered the closest thing maybe ever to a "can't-miss" prospect. Because, if a top pick doesn't make a significant impact, you just pissed away a staggering amount of money.

In the NBA, you're essentially adding a player for free. If there were no lottery, then any team not guaranteed to be a title contender should be trying to go 0-82. Except for the Knicks, because Isiah will have pissed away all their draft picks and cap room anyway.

Okay, it looks like we have our first question for the mailbag. And I mean ever; I do not have an email account:

Why doesn't the NBA let us watch the Lottery?
Wiley R. (Statesboro, Georgia)

it's because the NBA no longer uses the little ping pong balls with team logos. They use a bunch of numbered balls, and each lottery team has multiple four-digit combinations assigned to them. It's like the Play 4 thing that I never win because the state lottery is totally fixed.

So why not just televise the numbers popping up and make public the list of team combinations? Because it would be shitty TV. Crossing Jordan shitty. And the biggest reason the NBA has a Draft Lottery is not to ensure competitive integrity late in the season, but because it's a television event that will draw viewers, and draw journalists to write about it for a week before and a week after.

There's drama in the opening of envelopes. I see it every day at the post office that I hang out at
because I don't have a job or friends and the smell of envelope glue kind of makes me high and people get all uptight when I ask them if I can seal their envelopes for them.

It's highly unlikely that Stern is still fixing the lottery, because he'd have to have every owner and team exec on board with the plan. And Stern has too many owners he can't control. Mark Cuban (DOOOOOOOOORK) would be putting it all over his "web log" (DOOOOOOOOORK) if those kinds of shenanigans going on.

And a different Wiley R. of Statesboro, Georgia writes in:

If the Hawks landed outside the top 3, they would have gotten Atlanta's pick. If the lottery isn't fixed, then how did the Suns get screwed for badmouthing Stu Jackson just because he ruined an entire NBA season?

The Suns actually make out better without getting that pick in the 2007 Draft.

If they don't pay a first-round pick this year (say they take Tiago Splitter and Rudy Fernandez with their two first-rounders and leave them in Europe next season), the Suns aren't THAT far into luxury tax territory. If they had a lottery pick, they wouldn't be able to take a draft-and-stash guy, therefore forcing them to deal Shawn Marion or Amare Stoudemire in order to avoid paying Jim Dolan-type luxury tax cash.

If owner Robert Sarver isn't a total deuche, he'll suck it up and pay a little luxury tax to keep last year's team in tact (since they were Stu Jackson retardation away from a title this year, and the Steve Nash title window is closing). Or, if he is a total deuche, they could trade Kurt Thomas and his expiring contract, and try to add an NBA-ready, defensive-minded big with one of their two first-rounders, more than likely keeping them under the cap.

Then, next year Phoenix gets the Hawks' pick unprotected. And is Atlanta really going to be much better than last year? There's a decent chance it becomes the No. 1 pick of the draft.

For Phoenix to keep the pick this year, it would have had to be between 4 and 7. There are three guys in the '07 Draft (Greg Oden, Kevin Durant, and Brandan Wright) who are virtual locks to be better than anyone coming out next year. And the only guy who eats the amount of lead paint chips that would cause someone to pass on Brandan Wright at No. 3 is Hawks GM Billy Knight, so there's no way Phoenix could have landed Wright.

So Phoenix now gets another shot at the title next year, add a high lottery pick in the '08 Draft to replace Marion or Stoudemire, and contend until Nash can no longer walk.

And here's how Portland becomes the NBA's next superpower:

1. June 28, 2007: Draft Greg Oden.

2. Janury 24, 2009: Trade Darius Miles, Zach Randolph, and Joel Przybilla to New York Knicks for Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, Malik Rose, and unprotected No. 1 pick.

3. July 1, 2009: Allow contracts of Francis, Marbury, and Rose to expire.

4. July 16, 2009: Use new-found cap room to sign free agent Deron Williams to start alongside Oden, Brandon Roy, and LaMarcus Aldridge.

5. 2010-2020: Win 10 consecutive NBA championships.

DANNY AINGE SHOULD STAR IN AN ORIGINAL SITCOM WHERE HE LEARNS ABOUT KARMA OR SOMETHING

Terrific is the only way to explain last night's draft lottery. I don't even know who got the No. 1 pick (it was the Ottawa Rough Riders. I don't have time to look it up). Terrific because the Celtics tanked an entire season for nothing.

And yes, they tanked an entire season. What other reason would they have for acquiring Sebastian Telfair. To prove some sort of political point about gun control laws and why we should be able to bring loaded guns on to planes? (Which, of course, is because planes are often targeted by freelance terrorists in weather balloons.)

Paul Pierce spent more time hanging out with world-renowned actors than playing basketball. Telfair spent more time on the court than in police lineups. That's tanking a season.

And for it, the Celtics -- as my grandmother used to say to me when I was a young child -- "get completely fucked in the ass." There are three potential superstars in this draft: Greg Oden, Kevin Durant, and Brandan Wright. There is one potential perennial All-Star: Jeff Green.

The Celtics will take Chinese forward Yi Jianlian, who this October will celebrate his 20th birthday for the third time. Apparently the space-time contiuum works differently in or something. Or he's trapped in some sort of isolated Groundhog's Day loop. I don't really know how it works.

But why not take Jeff Green? Because after a season of shitting on fans with a horrible on-the-court product, the Celtics need someone marketable. Yi is (for now). Green is not. And apparently, this isn't either.

BOSTON CELTICS GAMES ARE WICKED GOOD

I hereby proclaim the 2006-07 Boston Celtics "Awesome."

And not for their play on the court, where GM Danny Ainge has been battling former teammate and T-Wolves GM Kevin McHale for NBA's biggest dickhole as their respective teams tank the season in an attempt to win the Draft Lottery (karma, if you were ever needed, it's May 22).

It's for that ambiance that only Celtics magic can bring.

Look at that mascot in that picture. That's wacky and crazy! Those aren't normal sized hands, are they! And he's wearing sunglasses indoors! And were you wondering why he's so crazy and wacky? Go to his official bio!

LUCKY, the Celtics mascot, is anything but your traditional Leprechaun.

OMG, he isn't?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Although he does possess the mischievous traits and elusive tendencies of most leprechauns, he appears to be more of a young man with the energy of a 10-year-old boy.

Wow, I can't even imagine a ... young man with the... energy of... a 10-year-old boy?

While many believe LUCKY used his fairy-like powers to track down the fountain of youth, he swears his passion for cheering on the Boston Celtics at the Fleet Center is what keeps him young.

Well, truly, the Celtics are in touch with America's youth. They're going to nail coveted 2- to 6-year-old with moderate-to-severe learning disability demographic. And the Celtics are really in touch with their major corporate sponsors, since the their home arena hasn't been called the Fleet Center since 2005.

Okay, so maybe an energetic man with giant hands whose employee bio includes the term "fairy-like" doesn't get you going. But this will: HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STAR POWER.


That, of course, is Hollywood big shot worldwide superstar Ben... something, who will be starring in a new show the Farrelly Brother's are doing for Fox. You remember the Farrelly Brothers. They made Kingpin, and Something About Mary among others. Then they moved towards drama a little bit with Outside Providence. After which they completely abandoned comedy -- and watchability -- with Fever Pitch.

And if you're anything like me, you can't wait to see the chemistry between an actor nobody's heard of, Paul Pierce, and Ryan Gomes. Athletes make the best actors. It's going to be just like an episode of "Arli$$." And with that guy doing the double point thing with his fingers and the silly face, you know he's totally funny and in no way a deuche.

Not sure what the name of this show will be, but if Karen Filippelli over there is leaving The Office to be a part of it, might I suggest it be called Career Suicide.

(Look at all that show business stuff in those last few paragraphs. I'm like Bill Simmons, but not into effeminate 80's bands and reality TV! Oh, and both pictures via Yaysports!, where we'll soon learn that the Casual Baby did indeed shoot Mamba.)

I KNOW WHO IS GOING TO BE THE BEST FOOTBALL PLAYER EVER

Consider this free fantasy football advice: If you can get only one player in your fantasy player allocation process this summer, make it Ira Gooch.

As you surely heard about and read about and dreamed about and felt become part of your being this weekend, Gooch (warming up for his soon-to-be legendary NFL career by playing for the Arena Football League's Kansas City Brigade) caught his 100th career Arena Football League pass. And the moment it happened, this pony gained eternal life:


(However, that girl will likely never make it past age 40 because of a family history of heart disease and diabetes.)

After an unforgettable 9-catch, 115-yard, 2-TD performance on Saturday, Gooch now has 106 catches in Arena League play. To put that into context for those of you who need it because you don't understand football, greatness, or eternal life for ponies, that's more Arena League catches than:

Chad Johnson
Marvin Harrison
Jerry Rice
Lance Alworth
Red Grange
Tom Landry
Barry Bonds
Ira Bonds (Barry's cousin and my Facebook friend)
Jakob Dylan's Dad
"The Desert Fox" Erwin Rommel
The entire cast of Crossing Jordan
Spider-Man (Peter Parker or any other Spider-Men)
Jesus Christ

NO, NO, NO. THE KNICKS ARE JUST SHITTY

If you missed it, the latest unsportsmanlike behavior making victims of the Knickerbockers was the Bulls reenacting the dunk contest in order to get their fans free Big Macs. And then Nate Robinson and Steve Francis were all like "hey, how rude of you to consistently throw that basketball through that cylinder thing repeatedly, because our team doesn't have the ability to do that."

Which brings us to the main point here. It's weird how the Knicks seem to be constantly shedding tears about teams running up the score on them. You'd think that the best way to prevent that would be to not fall behind by 30 in the second half. The Knicks are just shitty. And they're going to be shitty as long as Isiah Thomas is a part of the franchise.

The most awesomest excuse for the Knicks struggling to avoid 50 losses while playing in a division that includes a team that was actually decimated by injuries (Nets), a team that blew up their roster and traded their franchise player before the new year (76ers), and a team that's been taking since last July (Celtics) is definitely the OMG THEY'VE HAD SO MANY INJURIES BRB TTYL. They lost Jamal Crawford and David Lee, two guys who would be hard-pressed to break into the rotation for any playoff team. They lost Quentin Richardson, who they were only able to add in the first place because Phoenix knew he has the back of a 98-year-old. And now that the season is over, they lost Stephon Marbury, whose skills have diminished so much that not even he can convince himself that he's good.

You want to see a team that's battled injuries. Try Phoenix. Check out this 2006-07 injury list:

Steve Nash (back)
Amare Stoudemire (knee)
Shawn Marion (hand)
Kurt Thomas (elbow)
Boris Diaw (Pastry Addiction)
Sean Marks (Leprosy)
Pat Burke (Pac-Man Fever)
Jalen Rose (Achy-Breaky Pelvis)
Jumaine Jones (Hot Dog Fingers)
Eric Piatkowski (Geriatric Profanity Disorder)

EVERYONE VS. COLIN COWHERD

This is a SHFSB exclusive. No wait, everyone on the planet has already wrote about this? What about Bea Arthur? Really? Okay. And you know what, she looks great. You really do Bea. Call me.

Anyway, it turns out that Colin Cowherd is kind of a penis. Which is surprising, because most unknown sports talk radio guys are wicked cool and stuff. Did you know Billy Dee Williams started in sports talk radio? Well he did. I'll save you the trip to Wikipedia.

Anyway, Cowherd, who is a certified penis, launched a DNS attack against The Big Lead by telling his various 40-something, lonely, lonely, very lonely, have-never-touched-a-woman-in-their-lives-except-for-that-one-time-on-the-bus-when-
that-Bennigan's-hostess-accidentally-brushed-against-their-thigh-and-then-they-had-
an-erection-for-a-week lonely listeners to simultaneously log on, thereby crashing their servers.

Anyway, as punishment for what could be an illegal act, the new ESPN ombudsman yelled at Cowherd or something. But of course, the ESPN ombudsman carries only slightly more authority than the United Nations, and slightly less than your local toll booth operator. So apparently, if it's not specifically written in to the ESPN radio policy, Colin Cowherd can now molest children and, even if arrested, can still air his awesome radical outrageousness from prison.

And the real upside for ESPN is, as they push into the art of blogging three years after the rest of the world (even me!) started, they're really gaining a lot of popularity from employing awesome cowabunga radical dudes like Colin Cowherd!

On kind of a similar topic (and by "similar," I mean exactly the same), I guess Cowherd is now being referred to as "Schrutebag" by most of the blogosphere, even though that nickname isn't really mean, doesn't make sense (and that's coming from me), and just kind of makes anyone who uses it sound like a 'tard.

(Look back at that paragraph. "Tard" is only the second-stupidest word in that graf. So I won't be typing "Schrutebag" again ever.)

But since I have a blog, I feel this incident really effects me. And I would suggest to my local state senator force all ESPN employees to take the following oath if I have a local state senator and he/she has some sort of jurisdiction over ESPN:

"If I, [state your name], as an employee of the self-proclaimed worldwide leader in sports and ESPN Hollywood and Skip Bayless, should use a DNS attack against a website for any reason, may I be forced to work in an outdated media with only very lonely, single men in their mid-40's as my audience. In addition, may my hair begin to fall out in a male-pattern baldness fade, and may the bottom third of my nose be removed, and the remaining cartilage upturned in order to resemble those people in that Twilight Zone episode where everyone had the pig noses and stuff. In addition may I have any sense of humor and logic choked out of my body and mind, and may I act like a general douche liked only by very lonely men in their mid-40's."


(And in similar news, and by "similar" I mean completely off-topic, I'm like 90 percent sure the Casual Baby shot Mamba.)

MATCH-UP OF THE WEEK: MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL VS. COMMON SENSE

It looks like Allan Selig and his boys struck another blow in their battle against logic. Remember, these are the same people who, despite the fact that half the world plays their sport, didn't start aggressively going after foreign markets until two years ago. (Apparently, Allan Selig didn't realize they spend money outside America.)

First, there was the whole thing about Craig Biggio not being allowed to support kids with cancer. It's especially absurd since, unlike the NFL where every player must dress exactly like his teammates or face a fine, MLB allows their players to essentially customize their own uniforms (especially the pants, which can be the cool looking high socks look, or the Barry Bonds/Manny Ramirez deuchy 53 sizes too big look). Of course, this was just Allan Selig being a smart business man. Where are these goddam sickly kids going to make money to buy bobbleheads? Lots and lots of bobbleheads.

And the latest strike against common sense comes via this year's schedule. Allan Selig lives in Milwaukee, so he must know it's cold and stuff in March. And he also must have deduced at some point in his life that April is the month that immediately follows March, and because of the gradual change in temperature from season to season would therefore lead to possible cold temperatures in the north in early April. So of course, logic would suggest that the majority of April games be played in warm-weather cities. Instead, among the opening series we had Florida playing in Washington, Tampa playing in New York, Arizona playing in Colorado, Oakland playing in Seattle, Atlanta playing in Philadelphia, and Cleveland, Detroit, and Chicago all hosting games. And to make matters worse, Allan Selig apparently had umpire Rick Reed and his crew go on a lead paint-only diet leading up to the season.

And has anyone looked at the schedule down the line? The late-August Brewers-Diamondbacks series will be played in the center of the Earth.