EVERYONE VS. COLIN COWHERD

This is a SHFSB exclusive. No wait, everyone on the planet has already wrote about this? What about Bea Arthur? Really? Okay. And you know what, she looks great. You really do Bea. Call me.

Anyway, it turns out that Colin Cowherd is kind of a penis. Which is surprising, because most unknown sports talk radio guys are wicked cool and stuff. Did you know Billy Dee Williams started in sports talk radio? Well he did. I'll save you the trip to Wikipedia.

Anyway, Cowherd, who is a certified penis, launched a DNS attack against The Big Lead by telling his various 40-something, lonely, lonely, very lonely, have-never-touched-a-woman-in-their-lives-except-for-that-one-time-on-the-bus-when-
that-Bennigan's-hostess-accidentally-brushed-against-their-thigh-and-then-they-had-
an-erection-for-a-week lonely listeners to simultaneously log on, thereby crashing their servers.

Anyway, as punishment for what could be an illegal act, the new ESPN ombudsman yelled at Cowherd or something. But of course, the ESPN ombudsman carries only slightly more authority than the United Nations, and slightly less than your local toll booth operator. So apparently, if it's not specifically written in to the ESPN radio policy, Colin Cowherd can now molest children and, even if arrested, can still air his awesome radical outrageousness from prison.

And the real upside for ESPN is, as they push into the art of blogging three years after the rest of the world (even me!) started, they're really gaining a lot of popularity from employing awesome cowabunga radical dudes like Colin Cowherd!

On kind of a similar topic (and by "similar," I mean exactly the same), I guess Cowherd is now being referred to as "Schrutebag" by most of the blogosphere, even though that nickname isn't really mean, doesn't make sense (and that's coming from me), and just kind of makes anyone who uses it sound like a 'tard.

(Look back at that paragraph. "Tard" is only the second-stupidest word in that graf. So I won't be typing "Schrutebag" again ever.)

But since I have a blog, I feel this incident really effects me. And I would suggest to my local state senator force all ESPN employees to take the following oath if I have a local state senator and he/she has some sort of jurisdiction over ESPN:

"If I, [state your name], as an employee of the self-proclaimed worldwide leader in sports and ESPN Hollywood and Skip Bayless, should use a DNS attack against a website for any reason, may I be forced to work in an outdated media with only very lonely, single men in their mid-40's as my audience. In addition, may my hair begin to fall out in a male-pattern baldness fade, and may the bottom third of my nose be removed, and the remaining cartilage upturned in order to resemble those people in that Twilight Zone episode where everyone had the pig noses and stuff. In addition may I have any sense of humor and logic choked out of my body and mind, and may I act like a general douche liked only by very lonely men in their mid-40's."


(And in similar news, and by "similar" I mean completely off-topic, I'm like 90 percent sure the Casual Baby shot Mamba.)

BRUCE PEARL IS THE NEW DUKE


The NCAA Tournament gods evened this one out: Duke is gone, but they're replaced by the biggest douche coach in America: Bruce Pearl. Here are three reasons why Bruce Pearl is a complete anus:

1. This

2. That being in the women's basketball crowd wasn't funny or entertaining in the least. Look at this anus. If you thought this was funny, you might also be an anus.

3. When ESPN did one of those behind-the-scenes shows following UT around at the tournament a couple years ago (you know, one of those things where you watch 20 minutes of crap and then it's like OH MY GOD, THE THIRD STRING WALK ON POINT GUARD MIGHT HAVE JUST ROLLED HIS ANKLE IN PRACTICE AND THERE'S ONLY THREE DAYS BEFORE THE GAME HOLY CRAP THIS IS AWESOME DRAMA TELEVISION JUST LIKE AN EPISODE OF CROSSING JORDAN), and Bruce Pearl at one point said "Holy Schnikees." Even when "Holy Schnikees" was funny, it wasn't funny. And you know when "Holy Schnikees" was funny? Never.

That's not to say Tommy Boy wasn't a decent movie that had its moments. Just none of those moments involved "Holy Schnikees." It's the kind of thing that some 50-year-old turd sees in a movie and then tries to be down with the crazy emo hip rad kids. And he's all like "Holy Schnikees" and Trapper Keepers and Matchobox 20 because he's down with what you're down with. (Although Trapper Keepers is actually how he got Wayne Chism to commit.)



So if you're interested, fight back against Bruce Pearl tyranny, and anyone you know who are ones one of these, with that cool "Bruce Pearl is my Anus" T-Shirt you see above, a SHFSB exclusive. (Here it is again, in case you scrolled down too far, you fool):



I don't have a store or anything. Or a bank account. But I think you can go to Spreadshirt or something and try to get it made. I think it's like $25. Plus, in order to get it in time for Thursday's game you're going to have to get it overnighted or something, so that's like another $18. Plus, I don't think they'll let you put the word "anus" on a t-shirt.

Actually, if you can get the above shirt made I'll buy it off you for $50.