I KNOW WHO IS GOING TO BE THE BEST FOOTBALL PLAYER EVER

Consider this free fantasy football advice: If you can get only one player in your fantasy player allocation process this summer, make it Ira Gooch.

As you surely heard about and read about and dreamed about and felt become part of your being this weekend, Gooch (warming up for his soon-to-be legendary NFL career by playing for the Arena Football League's Kansas City Brigade) caught his 100th career Arena Football League pass. And the moment it happened, this pony gained eternal life:


(However, that girl will likely never make it past age 40 because of a family history of heart disease and diabetes.)

After an unforgettable 9-catch, 115-yard, 2-TD performance on Saturday, Gooch now has 106 catches in Arena League play. To put that into context for those of you who need it because you don't understand football, greatness, or eternal life for ponies, that's more Arena League catches than:

Chad Johnson
Marvin Harrison
Jerry Rice
Lance Alworth
Red Grange
Tom Landry
Barry Bonds
Ira Bonds (Barry's cousin and my Facebook friend)
Jakob Dylan's Dad
"The Desert Fox" Erwin Rommel
The entire cast of Crossing Jordan
Spider-Man (Peter Parker or any other Spider-Men)
Jesus Christ

BARRY BONDS = NOT SPECIAL















Well, all the home runs and stuff are. And even before he naturally doubled in size sometime in his early 30's he was actually very special. And even as a kid he was very special because his dad was an awesome baseball player. But Barry Bonds is not special for receiving death threats, as he told some radio show that no one listens to.

Every professional athlete gets death threats. My aunt threatens to stab Orioles back-up catcher Paul Bako in the leg on the third Tuesday of every month. The crazy guy on Houston and Crosby with the orange footy pajamas threatened to kill me the other day if I didn't stop dribbling my basketball down the street.

The real loser in all this is manager Bruce Bochy. His size 14 head is no match for Bonds. And these Barry Bonds death threats are destroying him. Look at the picture of that care-free and seemingly confused young man from 1970's on the left. Now look at current day Bochy on the right. It's almost as if time has aged him somehow. He looks like Dennis Miller. But he's probably funnier than Dennis Miller.

(FULL DISCLAIMER: I have a ton of Barry Bonds rookie cards that I need to unload, so let's say we all help in driving that market back up. Also, Barry's cousin Ira Bonds is one of my Facebook friends.)