WHY GOD CREATED THE NBA DRAFT LOTTERY

First of all, the next person who says the NBA doesn't need a draft lottery is getting punched in some body part to be determined.

The NBA Draft is not the NFL Draft for numerous reasons. In the NBA, one player can make a much larger impact than a single NFL player can make.

And more importlantly: In the NBA the No. 1 overall pick will take up only a small portion of his team's cap room thank to the rookie salary scale.

In the NFL, top 5 picks eat up an absurd amount of cap space. It's why no one would trade up with Detroit to take Calvin Johnson, despite Johnson being considered the closest thing maybe ever to a "can't-miss" prospect. Because, if a top pick doesn't make a significant impact, you just pissed away a staggering amount of money.

In the NBA, you're essentially adding a player for free. If there were no lottery, then any team not guaranteed to be a title contender should be trying to go 0-82. Except for the Knicks, because Isiah will have pissed away all their draft picks and cap room anyway.

Okay, it looks like we have our first question for the mailbag. And I mean ever; I do not have an email account:

Why doesn't the NBA let us watch the Lottery?
Wiley R. (Statesboro, Georgia)

it's because the NBA no longer uses the little ping pong balls with team logos. They use a bunch of numbered balls, and each lottery team has multiple four-digit combinations assigned to them. It's like the Play 4 thing that I never win because the state lottery is totally fixed.

So why not just televise the numbers popping up and make public the list of team combinations? Because it would be shitty TV. Crossing Jordan shitty. And the biggest reason the NBA has a Draft Lottery is not to ensure competitive integrity late in the season, but because it's a television event that will draw viewers, and draw journalists to write about it for a week before and a week after.

There's drama in the opening of envelopes. I see it every day at the post office that I hang out at
because I don't have a job or friends and the smell of envelope glue kind of makes me high and people get all uptight when I ask them if I can seal their envelopes for them.

It's highly unlikely that Stern is still fixing the lottery, because he'd have to have every owner and team exec on board with the plan. And Stern has too many owners he can't control. Mark Cuban (DOOOOOOOOORK) would be putting it all over his "web log" (DOOOOOOOOORK) if those kinds of shenanigans going on.

And a different Wiley R. of Statesboro, Georgia writes in:

If the Hawks landed outside the top 3, they would have gotten Atlanta's pick. If the lottery isn't fixed, then how did the Suns get screwed for badmouthing Stu Jackson just because he ruined an entire NBA season?

The Suns actually make out better without getting that pick in the 2007 Draft.

If they don't pay a first-round pick this year (say they take Tiago Splitter and Rudy Fernandez with their two first-rounders and leave them in Europe next season), the Suns aren't THAT far into luxury tax territory. If they had a lottery pick, they wouldn't be able to take a draft-and-stash guy, therefore forcing them to deal Shawn Marion or Amare Stoudemire in order to avoid paying Jim Dolan-type luxury tax cash.

If owner Robert Sarver isn't a total deuche, he'll suck it up and pay a little luxury tax to keep last year's team in tact (since they were Stu Jackson retardation away from a title this year, and the Steve Nash title window is closing). Or, if he is a total deuche, they could trade Kurt Thomas and his expiring contract, and try to add an NBA-ready, defensive-minded big with one of their two first-rounders, more than likely keeping them under the cap.

Then, next year Phoenix gets the Hawks' pick unprotected. And is Atlanta really going to be much better than last year? There's a decent chance it becomes the No. 1 pick of the draft.

For Phoenix to keep the pick this year, it would have had to be between 4 and 7. There are three guys in the '07 Draft (Greg Oden, Kevin Durant, and Brandan Wright) who are virtual locks to be better than anyone coming out next year. And the only guy who eats the amount of lead paint chips that would cause someone to pass on Brandan Wright at No. 3 is Hawks GM Billy Knight, so there's no way Phoenix could have landed Wright.

So Phoenix now gets another shot at the title next year, add a high lottery pick in the '08 Draft to replace Marion or Stoudemire, and contend until Nash can no longer walk.

And here's how Portland becomes the NBA's next superpower:

1. June 28, 2007: Draft Greg Oden.

2. Janury 24, 2009: Trade Darius Miles, Zach Randolph, and Joel Przybilla to New York Knicks for Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, Malik Rose, and unprotected No. 1 pick.

3. July 1, 2009: Allow contracts of Francis, Marbury, and Rose to expire.

4. July 16, 2009: Use new-found cap room to sign free agent Deron Williams to start alongside Oden, Brandon Roy, and LaMarcus Aldridge.

5. 2010-2020: Win 10 consecutive NBA championships.

I KNOW WHO IS GOING TO BE THE BEST FOOTBALL PLAYER EVER

Consider this free fantasy football advice: If you can get only one player in your fantasy player allocation process this summer, make it Ira Gooch.

As you surely heard about and read about and dreamed about and felt become part of your being this weekend, Gooch (warming up for his soon-to-be legendary NFL career by playing for the Arena Football League's Kansas City Brigade) caught his 100th career Arena Football League pass. And the moment it happened, this pony gained eternal life:


(However, that girl will likely never make it past age 40 because of a family history of heart disease and diabetes.)

After an unforgettable 9-catch, 115-yard, 2-TD performance on Saturday, Gooch now has 106 catches in Arena League play. To put that into context for those of you who need it because you don't understand football, greatness, or eternal life for ponies, that's more Arena League catches than:

Chad Johnson
Marvin Harrison
Jerry Rice
Lance Alworth
Red Grange
Tom Landry
Barry Bonds
Ira Bonds (Barry's cousin and my Facebook friend)
Jakob Dylan's Dad
"The Desert Fox" Erwin Rommel
The entire cast of Crossing Jordan
Spider-Man (Peter Parker or any other Spider-Men)
Jesus Christ

BRUCE PEARL IS THE NEW DUKE


The NCAA Tournament gods evened this one out: Duke is gone, but they're replaced by the biggest douche coach in America: Bruce Pearl. Here are three reasons why Bruce Pearl is a complete anus:

1. This

2. That being in the women's basketball crowd wasn't funny or entertaining in the least. Look at this anus. If you thought this was funny, you might also be an anus.

3. When ESPN did one of those behind-the-scenes shows following UT around at the tournament a couple years ago (you know, one of those things where you watch 20 minutes of crap and then it's like OH MY GOD, THE THIRD STRING WALK ON POINT GUARD MIGHT HAVE JUST ROLLED HIS ANKLE IN PRACTICE AND THERE'S ONLY THREE DAYS BEFORE THE GAME HOLY CRAP THIS IS AWESOME DRAMA TELEVISION JUST LIKE AN EPISODE OF CROSSING JORDAN), and Bruce Pearl at one point said "Holy Schnikees." Even when "Holy Schnikees" was funny, it wasn't funny. And you know when "Holy Schnikees" was funny? Never.

That's not to say Tommy Boy wasn't a decent movie that had its moments. Just none of those moments involved "Holy Schnikees." It's the kind of thing that some 50-year-old turd sees in a movie and then tries to be down with the crazy emo hip rad kids. And he's all like "Holy Schnikees" and Trapper Keepers and Matchobox 20 because he's down with what you're down with. (Although Trapper Keepers is actually how he got Wayne Chism to commit.)



So if you're interested, fight back against Bruce Pearl tyranny, and anyone you know who are ones one of these, with that cool "Bruce Pearl is my Anus" T-Shirt you see above, a SHFSB exclusive. (Here it is again, in case you scrolled down too far, you fool):



I don't have a store or anything. Or a bank account. But I think you can go to Spreadshirt or something and try to get it made. I think it's like $25. Plus, in order to get it in time for Thursday's game you're going to have to get it overnighted or something, so that's like another $18. Plus, I don't think they'll let you put the word "anus" on a t-shirt.

Actually, if you can get the above shirt made I'll buy it off you for $50.