YOU HAVE BEEN NAMED TO AN ALL-BIG EAST MEN'S BASKETBALL TEAM

Congratulations. If you have ever been affiliated with a Big East school (like, say, that time you had a connecting flight in Louisville), you were named to the men's basketball team.

See the full team here. Anyone under the heading "honorable mention" should be ashamed. Not only are you awful at basketball, but you probably smell terrible if everyone hated you so much that you weren't one of the seemingly thousands of players named to the first- and second-teams.

But if I could just contradict myself for a second, since I don't have any readers to do it, perhaps the Big East is just preparing for the day that the all-conference teams play each other for conference supremacy. Sure, the Big Ten might look nasty, but they're just five players. The Big East's starting team alone has 11. They could triple-team Greg Oden with Aaron Gray, Herbert Hill, and Roy Hibbert, and still have eight other defenders in the passing lane. And they can bring a fresh 10 off the bench whenever needed. That's more than enough to make up for the inevitable 5-for-16 shooting performance of Demetris Nichols.

(The woman pictured is Rhoda, wife of my good friend Tad Goodfellow. She sucks at basketball. Even I beat her nearly half the time. But her grocer went to DePaul, thus her All-Conference honors.)